The motivations compelling couples to consider divorce are wide and varied. However, one common motivator, is when individuals feel trapped in a toxic relationship. The term “toxic relationship” was coined in 1995 by Dr. Lillian Glass, and in contrast to physical abuse, the hallmark of a toxic relationship is an emotionally unhealthy environment, where one or both of the parties are plagued by a persistent feeling of unhappiness.
In comparison, healthy partners listen to each other, communicating respectfully and often. These couples build and uplift one another, supporting each other’s goals, desires, and dreams. Habits which, in turn, cultivate and strengthens trust, leading them to a deep sense of understanding, satisfaction, and happiness that can’t be found anywhere else.
Of course, none of which is to imply happy couples don’t fight. Because let’s be honest: to be married is almost, by definition, to have a sparing buddy at the ready. It is completely normal for stable couples to experience periods of life marked with anxiety, stress, and anger. But this unrest is usually temporary. In contrast, a toxic marriage is a relationship where negativity is the norm. One in which individuals:
Don’t support each other;
Seek out conflict;
Undermine their partner;
Engage in unhealthy competition;
Disrespect their spouse;
Lack cohesive unity; or
Attempt to control one another.
In addition to these elements, things like physical abuse, and adultery, can, of course, contribute to an emotionally toxic environment. However, abusive relationships are generally seen as a situation where the perpetrator knows and is choosing to exact harm, whereas in a toxic relationship, on or both parties might not even be aware of what they’re doing.
This is what can make a toxic relationship so difficult to identify, especially since all toxic marriages present differently, and what’s toxic for you might not be so bad for your best friend or your mom. Below, are five signs that you’re in a toxic marriage – and if you recognize them, it may be time to talk to a Stockton divorce attorney. Not just for your own mental health, but also for the sake of any children you might have, who are looking up to you for an example of what kind of relationship they should aspire to.
5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Marriage
When trying to determine whether or not your relationship is toxic, here are five signs that can help you know whether it’s time to consider other options (such as divorce). They include:
Persistent unhappiness;
An inability to connect with your partner;
Consistent fault finding;
Fantasies about striking out on your own; and
Family or friends who are expressing concerns.
Persistent Unhappiness
If you’re always unhappy about your relationship, why are you still in it? Life should be better and happier with the person you’ve chosen to spend life with. If the joy you once felt in marriage has replaced by sadness, anger, anxiety, or resignation, it may be time to talk to an attorney about your options.
Inability to Connect with your Partner
Respectful communication is one of the biggest keys to any successful relationship—romantic or otherwise. And it’s okay for these conversations to occasionally fizzle out between partners, but when it becomes worrisome, is when it doesn’t improve, despite repeated efforts. Especially if you feel like your partner has “checked out,” of the relationship. When couples are unable to resolve differences, and talk though problems with each other, it’s often a signal that they’re on the road to divorce.
Constant Fault Finding
No one is perfect, and if you look close enough at anyone, you’ll find fault with them. But there’s a big difference between occasionally getting after your spouse for not taking out the trash, and when finding fault is a way of life in your relationship. If you and your spouse are overly critical of one another, and resort to personal attacks during every argument, it might be time to start thinking objectively about your future together.
Fantasies about Striking Out on you Own
It’s normal for an overworked parent to think about how much easier things would be without family ties binding them down, but if escaping into your fantasy life of solitude is the only way you can get through the day, it may be a sign there’s something really wrong in your relationship. If you’ve made serious plans to leave, you should talk to an attorney about your options before doing anything. It’s especially important not to move out of your marital home (or throw out your partner) without consulting a lawyer first, as these actions can trigger adverse consequences during a divorce trial.
Family or Friends Express Concerns
There’s an age-old metaphor, which says you can’t boil a frog by putting it in hot water. Instead, you start with a pot of tepid liquid, and slowly turn up the heat. We have no idea why anyone would want to boil a frog alive, but like our amphibious friends, individuals who are in a toxic marriage, are usually the last to figure it out. That’s because humans are amazingly adaptable. We become so accustomed to the harmful environment, we no longer notice what’s all around us, which is a bad place to be. If your friends and family begin expressing concerns, it’s a sign that you’ve normalized an unhealthy relationship.
Do You Need to Talk to a Divorce Lawyer?
Often, even when individuals recognize their partnership isn’t healthy, they are still reluctant to initiate divorce, either because of time and cost, or worries about child custody and property division. Some even fear physical retribution from their spouse, and if this sounds like you, it’s important to note that there are many different types of divorce, including mediation, which can be quite cost effective. In addition, individuals can file for restraining orders at no cost, which is just one of many ways in which the State of California protects abuse victims.
If you’re thinking about getting a divorce, it’s a good idea to consult with an attorney and learn about your options. The team at Maples Family Law are here to answer any questions you might have about spousal support, child custody, and the division of property. We may also be able to refer you to a therapist focusing on divorce issues and toxic relationships.
Call us at (209) 546-6246 or contact us online to schedule an appointment. Let us help figure out a solution to your toxic relationship.
Are there negative effects of divorce on children? What about when they’re very young – like toddlers – or teens? Are there different effects across different age groups? Here’s what you need to know.
Negative Effects of Divorce on Children: What You Need to Know
While no two people will deal with divorce in exactly the same way, we can all agree that there can be some negative effects of divorce on children. However, the effects are nearly always temporary – and in many cases, the positive outcome of a divorce can far outweigh temporary negative effects.
The bottom line is that parental conflict before, during and after a divorce has negative effects on kids. Removing the source of that conflict can have tremendous benefits. It’s also important to remember that children learn how to engage in relationships from their parents, and if you and your spouse can’t stand to be in the same room together without fighting, that’s what your kids are going to absorb.
Research has found that the first year after a divorce is the most difficult. However, once your children get back into their daily routines – which can take a significant amount of time – you’ll see that they’re improving. The negative effects they may have experienced might start to fade away.
If you know your children are struggling (or even if they seem to be handling things just fine) it’s a good idea to schedule some time with a counselor or therapist who can help.
Common Negative Effects of Divorce on Kids
Children in different age groups may experience different effects. For example:
Young kids may struggle to understand why they have to go back and forth between two homes. These children might also wrongly deduce that if parents can stop loving each other, they can stop loving kids, too.
Grade-school kids sometimes worry that divorce is their fault. They often connect the dots back to themselves, thinking that they misbehaved so their parents divorced.
Teens can become angry or moody at the changes divorce brings. Sometimes they blame one parent for the divorce, or they might resent both of you for family upheaval.
One of the biggest negative effects a divorce has, though, is that it diminishes daily contact with one parent. Kids feel changes in a big way, so if they’re suddenly seeing one parent more than the other, they can have a tough time dealing with the loss of time. Other things that can stress kids out during divorce include changing schools, moving into a new house, living with a now-single parent who’s stressed, and financial changes.
Kids are typically able to cope with all these issues, but it does take time. And in many cases, external support – like talking to a therapist – is tremendously helpful for everyone involved.
Tips to Reduce the Negative Effects of Divorce on Children
Most experts agree that the best thing you can do for your children is to reassure them that you both love them (and that will never change) – and to let them know that you’re always there for them, whether they want to talk, cry or ask questions.
Use these eight tips to help minimize the negative effects your children experience:
Use consistent discipline in both households.
Don’t put your children in the middle of parental disputes or conflict.
Do You Need to Talk to an Attorney About Divorcing With Children?
There are some negative effects of divorce on children, but they’re usually temporary – and in many cases, they’re far outweighed by the positive effects divorce can bring.
If you need to talk to an attorney about divorcing with kids, we’re here to help. Call us at (209) 395-1605 to schedule your consultation today. We can answer your questions about all kinds of divorce issues, ranging from child custody and child support to spousal support and basic divorce information.
If you’re like most people, you want your divorce to go as smoothly as possible. You’d like to minimize conflict and just make it through with your head above water – and that’s probably true whether you’re just starting to think about a split or you’re riding out California’s 6-month divorce waiting period. The good news: There are three ways you can simplify your divorce right now.
3 Ways to Simplify Your Divorce (Even Before You File)
Check out these three ways you can simplify your divorce:
Get ready to cooperate.
Organize everything.
Start negotiating as early as possible.
Here’s a closer look at each.
#1. Get Ready to Cooperate
You don’t have to get along with your spouse. You don’t even have to spend time in the same room together or have lengthy discussions over the phone.
However, you do need to prepare yourself – and ask your spouse to prepare him- or herself – to cooperate with each other throughout the process.
Cooperating means working together to achieve an outcome you can both live with. It also means co-parenting your children so that they have as much stability and continuity as possible during (and after) your divorce.
If you and your spouse are having a hard time seeing eye-to-eye, your attorney might suggest that you work with a mediator. A mediator is an impartial third party whose sole job is to find common ground. You can mediate every issue in your divorce, from child custody to property division.
Sometimes it’s not possible to cooperate with your spouse, and that’s okay. Some people are naturally combative and won’t budge. If that’s the case, don’t worry. Your Stockton divorce lawyer can still do what it takes to get you the best possible outcome.
Gather all your important documents and keep them together to simplify your divorce. You may need things like:
Tax returns
Children’s birth certificates
Social Security numbers
Insurance policies
Bank statements
Pay stubs
Credit card statements
Mortgage documents
Business-related documents
Pension or retirement account statements
Your attorney may need these types of documents throughout your divorce, so if you have everything organized, they’ll be easy to find when the time comes.
You don’t have to keep a paper file folder with this information in it. Instead, you can keep digital copies on your computer or in the cloud. Remember, though, when you have all your documents together, you should take steps to protect them. That might include putting them in a safe (if they’re physical copies) or putting them in a password-protected file on your computer.
You may not feel like negotiating with your spouse, but it’s very important that you try if you want to simplify your divorce. Before you head into negotiations with your spouse, decide what you’ll be okay with – and what you can give up to get what you want.
Commit to choosing your battles. You don’t have to fight for things you don’t want just for the sake of “winning.” A successful divorce is one in which you walk away reasonably satisfied with the outcome.
Incidentally, that’s how a lot of people – even those who don’t want to fight – view divorce. It’s not a win-or-lose battle. It’s the dissolution of a marriage in which both parties need to come away with some concessions. In fact, it’s a lot like a business transaction.
The bottom line is that it’s mentally healthier for you to keep your divorce as simple as possible. By extension, it’s better for your children, too. You’ll be less stressed and better equipped to make sound decisions that affect your future.
Are You Ready to Simplify Your Divorce?
If you’re thinking about divorce, or if your spouse has already filed, we may be able to help you. We want you to be able to simplify your divorce, and we’ll do what it takes to get you the best possible outcome.
Call us at (209) 395-1605 for a divorce case evaluation. You’ll talk to an experienced Stockton divorce lawyer who can give you the advice you need to begin moving forward.
Thanksgiving is right around the corner – and if you’re going through a divorce, or if you’re recently divorced and this is your first Thanksgiving day without your spouse (and possibly without your kids), here’s what you can do to get through it.
Thanksgiving for Divorced Parents
For most people, Thanksgiving is a family-centered holiday. That means during or after divorce, you have some coping to do – it’s going to be different this year than it has been in years past. Unfortunately, while only time can really make it easier, there are a few things you can do to cope with the new reality of the holiday season.
Thanksgiving for Divorced Parents: Dealing With Nostalgia
If you’re like many people, particularly those who are spending their first after-divorce Thanksgiving without a spouse and children, you’ll experience nostalgia – and that’s fine. However, be careful not to put all your focus on the way things were before; now is the time to make new traditions. Consider spending Thanksgiving with your own family or friends or doing some volunteer work. You might think about delivering bags of food and necessities to homeless people downtown, or maybe you’ll offer your services to a soup kitchen or other charity.
Thanksgiving for Divorced Parents: Dealing With Your Ex
Perhaps you and your spouse have a flexible child custody agreement that allows you to share time with the kids on Thanksgiving, or maybe one of you will have them on the “big day” and the other will have them the following day. Sometimes parents agree to swap out holidays, where one parent has the children on even-numbered years and the other has them on odd-numbered years. No matter what your arrangement looks like, you still have to remember that you and your kids’ other parent are still parenting together – and you’ll want to avoid bad-mouthing your ex or talking about whether you agree with the arrangement in front of your children.
Thanksgiving for Divorced Parents: Dealing With Your Kids’ Feelings
Your children might be upset about your divorce, and the holidays can make those feelings more intense. In some cases, kids aren’t happy about having to spend Thanksgiving with one parent while leaving the other behind – they may feel like you’ll be all alone. You should acknowledge your kids’ feelings; don’t minimize them. The key here is making your children feel like you understand where they’re coming from… but without getting caught in the trap of bad-mouthing your custody arrangement or their other parent.
Thanksgiving for Divorced Parents: Creating New Traditions
Thanksgiving is all about gratitude, which can be tough during or just after a divorce. However, you’re modeling for your children, which means you should still try to find things to be grateful for. Maybe you’re grateful for your close relationships with your children, your supportive relationships with friends and family, or your health. When you highlight genuine gratitude for your kids, you’re showing them positive coping strategies (and you’re giving yourself a reality check).
If you have your children this year – or even if you don’t – now is a great time to start your own traditions. (Check out these ideas!)
Thanksgiving for Divorced Parents: Taking Care of Yourself
Take care of yourself. You’ll likely have other holidays without your children, which means you can start planning ahead for how you’ll spend that time. Maybe you want to relax on your own, binge-watching your favorite shows or a movie series (The Avengers series will take all day!), or perhaps you’d rather spend time with your friends by hosting a “Friendsgiving” dinner in your home.
We know the holidays can be stressful – especially if you’re in the middle of a divorce or you’ve just received your divorce decree. By using these coping tips, though, you can make it a little easier on yourself and your children, and you’ll be better prepared for next year.
Do You Need to Talk to a Stockton Divorce Lawyer?
If you’re ending your marriage and need to talk to a divorce lawyer in Stockton, we can help. Call us at (209) 546-6870 to tell us what’s going on. We’ll evaluate your case and start building a strategy that gets you – and your family – the best possible outcome.
You might be surprised to know that a lot of people who get divorced can’t really pinpoint a moment that they asked themselves, “Is my marriage over?” and gave themselves a definitive answer. In fact, sometimes people who file for divorce are still a bit unsure about whether they’re doing the right thing.
However, there are some signs that the answer to that question is yes. Here’s a quick look at what many experts suggest are marriage-enders.
Is My Marriage Over?
First things first: Only you can decide if your marriage is truly over. Naturally, if your ex has already filed for divorce, you’re in reaction mode – and because California is a no-fault divorce state, you either go along with the process or you don’t… but it’s going to happen regardless of your feelings.
These are five signs that many experts suggest signal the end of a marriage:
You’re already living in a single mindset.
One of you has been unfaithful.
You and your spouse don’t communicate.
You feel like your spouse causes you nothing but stress.
You’re not able to be yourself.
Let’s take a closer look at these.
#1. You’re already living in a single mindset.
If you think happy thoughts about being single and on your own, and your spouse is nowhere in the picture, your marriage could be over.
“Up to a point, imagining being single can be a healthy safety-valve, allowing us to think about how things could be different, while also enjoying the comfort and security of a loving relationship,” says Dr. Becky Spelman. “If you just seem to annoy one another, and no longer have any fun, your fantasies about single-hood may show that you are already mentally ‘checking out’ of the relationship and planning to leave.”
Once trust has been broken in your marriage, it’s very tough to get back – and sometimes it’s impossible. If you’re asking yourself “Is my marriage over” after a traumatic event, the answer could be yes.
Also, says Konstantin Lukin, Ph.D., “Physical, emotional, sexual abuse raises significant warning signs about the health of a relationship.”
In a survey that covered 886 separating couples, a striking 55 percent said that they “grew apart” and 53 percent said that a “lack of communication” was the cause of their splits. If you and your spouse are no longer able to communicate, your marriage may be over. You can still decide to work on your marriage, though – as you can with most of these points – but ultimately, it’s up to you whether it’s worth the work to repair it.
#4. You feel like your spouse causes you nothing but stress.
Does thinking about or seeing your spouse make you happy, or does it stress you out? If just thinking about your spouse makes your blood pressure rise, it could be time to seek outside help or file for divorce. When we say seek outside help, that could mean talking to a therapist or counselor, talking to a trusted friend, or talking to an adviser you trust, such as a religious leader.
#5. You’re not able to be yourself.
If you ask yourself, “Is my marriage over?” and you realize that you just can’t be yourself within the relationship, you may need to evaluate where your relationship is right now. Sometimes people report that they no longer recognize themselves, which is incredibly difficult to deal with. If you used to be a happy, outgoing person who was always ready to have fun, but now you’re irritated, depressed and socially withdrawn, it’s time to take a good look at your relationship and see how that’s affecting who you are.
Are You Thinking About Divorce?
Divorce isn’t always the answer, but sometimes it’s the only possible answer. If you’re considering divorce, your best bet is to explore all your options – and that includes talking to a divorce attorney who can explain the process and answer all your questions.
What Does Involving Your Kids in Your Divorce Mean?
Involving your kids in your divorce can take many forms – all of which you need to minimize. It could mean:
Using your child as a “shoulder to cry on”
Asking your kids for advice
Using your children as messengers between you and their other parent
Telling your child too many details about what caused your split
There are other ways you could get kids too involved, too, and if you’re not sure about them, it may be a good idea for you and your children to talk to a counselor or therapist together.
3 Reasons You Should NEVER Involve Your Kids in Your Divorce
You’ve probably heard it many times – kids should stay out of the nitty-gritty details of divorce. However, that can have a different meaning for every family.
For example, you know you should never use your kids as messengers during your divorce, carrying instructions between one parent and the other (although saying, “Mom said to give you my homework” and things like that should be fine) – but what do you do about questions the kids have about the process, the reasoning behind it, and what will happen next?
Experts suggest that you should always answer kids’ questions in age-appropriate, honest ways. Don’t lie, but don’t share grisly details, either. You’ll most likely tell older kids more than you would tell younger kids, especially when they have questions about the reasoning behind the divorce. If you’re not sure what you should tell your kids, you can talk to a counselor or therapist for guidance.
But there are three big reasons you should leave your kids out of your divorce. Other than letting them know what’s changing and that you love them, kids should be sheltered as much as possible from the whole process.
These are the three reasons:
You could accidentally engage in parental alienation
Your kids could resent you sharing too much
You could be inadvertently asking them to exhibit maturity they just don’t have
Parental Alienation
Parental alienation is the act of engaging in a behavior that causes your kids to push away the other parent – and during divorce, kids need both of you. When you share too much information about the divorce with your kids, especially if it’s your ex’s fault that you’re divorcing (like infidelity or something similar), you’re accidentally forcing the kids to choose who’s the better parent.
Resentfulness
Kids don’t want to know – nor are they mentally capable of handling – the ins and outs of divorce. If you share too many details, they could end up resenting you for doing so. That’s not only true for right now, either; when your children are grown, they may look back and feel that you were forcing them to help you through the divorce when they really needed you to help them.
Forcing Kids to Be Too Mature
When you talk to your kids about your own emotions – and remember, they need you to be strong for them during divorce – you’re putting them in a bad spot. They’re not emotionally equipped to help you cope with your split; in fact, they’re still figuring out their own emotions and responses, and they’re dealing with some pretty big changes themselves. Sharing too many details or asking them to be your personal counselors during your divorce is a tremendous mistake, because it’s a type of role-reversal that they’re just not capable of – and it can cause several problems in your relationship, now and in the future.
Do You Need to Talk to a Divorce Lawyer in Stockton?
If you’re like most parents, your main concern during divorce is your children. You want them to come out of the divorce as happy and healthy as possible – and sometimes that means taking them to see a therapist.
So how can you tell if your children need to talk to someone besides you or their peers during your split?
Here’s what you need to know.
Should Your Kids See a Therapist During Your Divorce?
First things first: Nearly everyone can benefit from talking to a counselor or therapist during stressful situations (like divorce). Your children – and you, as well – may find that talking to someone who’s trained to help others cope with divorce is tremendously helpful.
If your kids express a desire to talk to a counselor, that’s great. However, kids don’t always come right out and say what they need – in fact, they may not even know what they need, so it’s up to you to figure it out.
You know your kids better than anyone else does, so you’re more qualified than you might think. Kids who are under stress exhibit pretty clear-cut symptoms, but no two kids are the same – so your parental instincts can tell you when you need to step in.
You can also try to head off issues by seeing a counselor or therapist before you see any signs and symptoms that your children aren’t coping well. While kids might put up a fight – many do, so you’re not alone – that doesn’t mean you should give up if you think they need help. You can let your kids’ therapist know if they’re not really willing to participate in counseling, and the counselor will take it from there.
Does Divorce Harm Kids?
Numerous studies have shown that children of divorce are completely capable of bouncing back – and in many cases, they become stronger and more emotionally resilient than they were before. The vast majority of children have no lasting damage from divorce. They grow up to have normal relationships – despite what their parents worry about – and end up doing just fine.
Kids do go through stress during the divorce, though. It’s a time of big changes, so it’s only natural that they’ll need to decompress.
You can make things easier on your children by:
Sharing only age-appropriate answers when they ask questions. Don’t go into details that your children don’t need to know – and certainly never bad-mouth their other parent, even if he or she is completely at-fault for your current situation.
Refusing to use your kids as messengers. Don’t ask them to carry messages back and forth between you and your ex, because that’s not fair. If you need to communicate with your ex, you can do so in person, over the phone, through text or through email.
Keeping them on a reasonably similar schedule. Kids thrive on routine, which means keeping their schedules as close as they were to pre-divorce schedules is a great idea. Other things are changing, so you want to keep as many things the same as possible.
Co-parenting with your ex. Try to keep rules consistent between both households. You don’t have to consult your ex to make small decisions, but if you can, try to let your kids know that even though you aren’t living together, you’re both still their parents.
If you’re contemplating divorce, or if your ex has already filed the paperwork, we may be able to help you. We can also refer you to a counselor or therapist who’s experienced in working with divorcing families.
If you’re like most people going through divorce, you already know how stressful it is. In fact, it’s tough before you even file – so even if you’re still in the planning stages, you’re probably experiencing a fair amount of stress.
So what can you do to make it easier on yourself?
Use these three tips to help yourself de-stress during divorce so you can focus and make better decisions.
3 Tips to Help You De-Stress During Divorce
Every divorce is different, and some are more stressful than others are. You can use these three tips to decompress and help yourself stay a little more centered during the process:
Journaling is one of the most tried-and-true methods of decompressing during tough times. You don’t have to break out a quill pen and a leather-bound book to do it, either. You can create a private video journal using your phone or laptop, keep track of your thoughts on paper or digitally, or create a private blog that nobody sees but you.
A journal can do more than bust stress, too. It can help you create a record of events that could help your attorney. For example, if your ex was supposed to pick up your children and didn’t show up, you can put it in your journal – and when your lawyer needs a list of times and dates when things like that have happened, you have a source to refer back to.
The key is privacy, though. You don’t want to publicly share any information that could hurt your case or get in the way of what your lawyer is doing to preserve your rights during your divorce.
Exercise is good for both your body and your mind, and during divorce, it can give you tremendous benefits that you really need. Because exercise releases chemicals in your brain that can help you think more clearly and make you happier, now’s the perfect time to start. If you haven’t been much for exercise in the past, you can always start small – short walks every morning or evening are a great way to clear your head and boost your spirits.
You should always talk to your doctor before you start an exercise program to make sure it’s the right one for you.
Sometimes the best way to work through the inevitable stress that divorce brings is to talk to someone outside your circle – an impartial counselor or therapist. A therapist can teach you new coping strategies, listen while you vent, and ensure that you have someone to talk to when you really need someone to listen.
Remember, too, that even if you’re not under a tremendous amount of stress or pressure, talking to a counselor can only help – so it may be a good idea to schedule an appointment with someone just to open the lines of communication with someone you can trust. Kids can benefit from talking to a counselor or therapist, too, so you may want to consider getting them help, too.
Your attorney can help you find a divorce counselor or therapist if you don’t already know one.
Parental alienation is incredibly serious. It’s the practice of turning a child away from one of his or her parents, and it’s extremely harmful to everyone involved – including the parent who’s doing the alienating.
Check out these parental alienation examples so you know how to recognize it if it’s happening to your child. Then, read on to find out what you can do about it.
When you read through these parental alienation examples, keep in mind that every case is different. What you see here may be different from what your child is experiencing. The main themes in parental alienation can involve:
Badmouthing one parent
Causing the child to reject the other parent
Interfering with the child’s visitation time and contact with the other parent
Undermining the relationship with the other parent
Let’s take a closer look at each of these – and again, remember that these aren’t the only examples of parental alienation.
Parental Alienation Example #1: Badmouthing one parent.
This can include criticizing or belittling the other parent to the child, or telling the child that his or her other parent is crazy, dangerous or otherwise unworthy of being a parent.
Example: David tells his daughter that her mother is unfit to be a mom. He says that she works too much now, and that she’s always been “crazy.” He tells his daughter that he’s worried that her mom won’t take “good enough” care of her when she visits.
Parental Alienation Example #2: Causing the child to reject the other parent.
This can include making the child feel guilty for loving the other parent, as well as creating parent-child conflict, forcing the child to choose between one or the other, and talking to the child about the divorce.
Example: When Sadie tells her dad that she loves and misses her mom, he scoffs and says, “Why?” He tries to get his daughter angry with her mother, even when her mother hasn’t done anything wrong, and he shares too many details about their divorce and other adult matters that should remain strictly between parents.
Parental Alienation Example #3: Interfering with the child’s visitation time and contact with the other parent.
This includes being chronically late to drop off the child (or picking the child up too early), finding reasons to keep the child when he or she is supposed to be with the other parent, excessively calling the child when he or she is with the other parent, or refusing the child to get in touch with the other parent.
Example: Billie comes up with excuses to prevent her stepdaughter from seeing her non-custodial mom. She purposely makes appointments for the child when it’s visitation time, or simply asks the child whether she feels like skipping the visit. Billie calls excessively when the little girl’s mom takes her to an amusement park and threatens the child with punishment if she fails to pick up the phone.
Parental Alienation Example #4: Undermining the child’s relationship with the other parent.
This includes interrogating the child about details of his or her visit with the other parent or asking the child to spy, as well as refusing to provide the other parent with information on the child or failing to invite the other parent to important activities (like conferences, school plays and things of that nature).
Example: Howie and his wife grill his children when they come home from a visit, demanding details about everything from what they ate to where they went and who they saw. They also refuse to let his ex-wife know how the kids are doing in school (or asks the school not to divulge information to her), and never mentions when there’s an important event coming up that his ex should be part of.
What Are the Signs of Parental Alienation?
The signs of parental alienation aren’t always easy to spot, but if you see them, it’s in your best interest to take your child to talk to a therapist or counselor as soon as possible. It can be incredibly painful and harmful – not just to the child, but to the alienated parent as well.
Some of the signs of parental alienation include:
Extreme negativity toward the alienated parent, including denying past positive experiences
Lack of remorse for hurting the alienated parent’s feelings
Preposterous reasons for being angry with the alienated parent
Saying that the rejection of the alienated parent is “all my idea”
Seeing one parent as “all-good” and the other as “all-bad”
Taking the side of the alienating parent, no matter what
What if Your Ex is Engaging in Parental Alienation?
If your ex is engaged in a campaign of parental alienation against you, you may be able to modify your custody order to help your child get out of the situation.
We may be able to help you. Remember, though, that every case is different. Call us at 209-546-6870 to schedule a consultation with a caring, compassionate and knowledgeable Stockton child custody attorney now.
If you’re like many people getting divorced in Stockton, you’re all too familiar with gaslighting – that’s when someone manipulates you psychologically so that you end up questioning your own sanity.
And unfortunately, gaslighting is pretty common in divorce and child custody battles.
Here’s what you need to know about this harmful psychological warfare.
Gaslighting is a manipulation technique that some spouses dive into when a marriage starts spinning out of control. Narcissists commonly use it, but some people don’t know they’re doing it – they’re just doing it unconsciously.
The term gaslighting comes from a 1944 film in which a woman falls madly in love with a man. The man starts to display pathological behaviors and tampers with the gas light in the attic; that causes the lights in the house to dim. The woman tells her husband that she heard footsteps in the attic and the lights dimming, but he tells her it’s all in her mind. The woman begins questioning her own judgment.
Whether your spouse is gaslighting you intentionally or unintentionally, it’s a form of emotional abuse.
Gaslighting Behaviors
Sometimes a spouse who’s gaslighting you doesn’t realize he or she is doing it – but the behaviors are the same. These are some of the most common behaviors a gaslighter exhibits:
Denying that he or she said something, even when you have proof
Mismatching actions and words
Projection (accusing you of what they’re doing)
Telling blatant lies
Telling people – or you – that you’re “crazy”
Telling you everyone else is a liar
Trying to convince you that others don’t care about you, or that you can’t trust others
Using your personal characteristics to tear you down
Wearing you down over time
During a divorce, these behaviors can even extend to family, friends and coworkers – meaning that the gaslighter will contact these people and provide them with false information about you. The idea is to turn other people against you when it comes to your divorce and possible custody battles.
Sometimes, the gaslighter even tries to use the legal system to his or her advantage by filing false police reports against you or trying to make you appear as if you’re mentally unstable by pushing your buttons repeatedly.
This commonly happens in custody cases where one parent wants to push the narrative that you’re the “unstable” parent, and that the kids are better off without you. He or she may try to alienate your children from you. In cases like these, the gaslighting spouse knows better, but he or she is out to hurt you.
What to Do if Your Spouse Engages in Gaslighting Behaviors During Divorce
The best thing you can do if your spouse engages in gaslighting behaviors during your divorce is to stay away from him or her. Keep your communication to a minimum, and if you must communicate, work through a third party or get everything in writing (such as by communicating through email or text messages).
Let your Stockton divorce attorney know what’s going on – and that your spouse is doing his or her best to make things harder on you. By telling your lawyer that your spouse is being manipulative, you’re enabling her to protect your rights in court.
Do not allow your spouse to bait you. Even if you know you’re being gaslighted and your spouse is trying to alienate you from your children, you cannot overreact – if you do, your spouse will use your reactions against you.
Keep making efforts to maintain a meaningful relationship with your children, and document everything. Make sure you keep your attorney in the loop, too – she’ll be able to fight for what’s best for you and your kids when she knows the whole story.
Do You Need to Talk to a Stockton Divorce Lawyer?
If your soon-to-be ex-spouse is attempting to gaslight you during divorce or to bring about a custody battle, we may be able to help you.
Call us at (209) 546-6246 or contact us online to schedule an appointment with an attorney.
