Tag: <span>Parental Alienation</span>

3 Reasons You Should NEVER Involve Your Kids in…

August 27, 2019August 13, 2020
by Angie

Like most parents, you want the best for your children – and that includes making sure they come out of your divorce as healthy and happy as possible.

To help ensure that, there’s one thing you should never do.

You should never involve your children in your divorce.

So what does that mean? How can you avoid involving your kids? Here’s what you need to know.

Related: Effects of divorce on kids

What Does Involving Your Kids in Your Divorce Mean?

Involving your kids in your divorce can take many forms – all of which you need to minimize. It could mean:

Using your child as a “shoulder to cry on”
Asking your kids for advice
Using your children as messengers between you and their other parent
Telling your child too many details about what caused your split

There are other ways you could get kids too involved, too, and if you’re not sure about them, it may be a good idea for you and your children to talk to a counselor or therapist together.

Related: 11 good divorce books for kids

3 Reasons You Should NEVER Involve Your Kids in Your Divorce

You’ve probably heard it many times – kids should stay out of the nitty-gritty details of divorce. However, that can have a different meaning for every family.

For example, you know you should never use your kids as messengers during your divorce, carrying instructions between one parent and the other (although saying, “Mom said to give you my homework” and things like that should be fine) – but what do you do about questions the kids have about the process, the reasoning behind it, and what will happen next?

Experts suggest that you should always answer kids’ questions in age-appropriate, honest ways. Don’t lie, but don’t share grisly details, either. You’ll most likely tell older kids more than you would tell younger kids, especially when they have questions about the reasoning behind the divorce. If you’re not sure what you should tell your kids, you can talk to a counselor or therapist for guidance.

But there are three big reasons you should leave your kids out of your divorce. Other than letting them know what’s changing and that you love them, kids should be sheltered as much as possible from the whole process.

These are the three reasons:

You could accidentally engage in parental alienation
Your kids could resent you sharing too much
You could be inadvertently asking them to exhibit maturity they just don’t have

Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is the act of engaging in a behavior that causes your kids to push away the other parent – and during divorce, kids need both of you. When you share too much information about the divorce with your kids, especially if it’s your ex’s fault that you’re divorcing (like infidelity or something similar), you’re accidentally forcing the kids to choose who’s the better parent.

Resentfulness

Kids don’t want to know – nor are they mentally capable of handling – the ins and outs of divorce. If you share too many details, they could end up resenting you for doing so. That’s not only true for right now, either; when your children are grown, they may look back and feel that you were forcing them to help you through the divorce when they really needed you to help them.

Forcing Kids to Be Too Mature

When you talk to your kids about your own emotions – and remember, they need you to be strong for them during divorce – you’re putting them in a bad spot. They’re not emotionally equipped to help you cope with your split; in fact, they’re still figuring out their own emotions and responses, and they’re dealing with some pretty big changes themselves. Sharing too many details or asking them to be your personal counselors during your divorce is a tremendous mistake, because it’s a type of role-reversal that they’re just not capable of – and it can cause several problems in your relationship, now and in the future.

Do You Need to Talk to a Divorce Lawyer in Stockton?

If you’re thinking about divorce, we may be able to help you. Call us right away at (209) 546-6870 or get in touch with a Stockton divorce attorney online to schedule a consultation today.

Child Custody

Parental Alienation Examples

July 1, 2019August 4, 2020
by Angie

Parental alienation is incredibly serious. It’s the practice of turning a child away from one of his or her parents, and it’s extremely harmful to everyone involved – including the parent who’s doing the alienating.

Check out these parental alienation examples so you know how to recognize it if it’s happening to your child. Then, read on to find out what you can do about it.

Parental Alienation Examples

When you read through these parental alienation examples, keep in mind that every case is different. What you see here may be different from what your child is experiencing. The main themes in parental alienation can involve:

Badmouthing one parent
Causing the child to reject the other parent
Interfering with the child’s visitation time and contact with the other parent
Undermining the relationship with the other parent

Let’s take a closer look at each of these – and again, remember that these aren’t the only examples of parental alienation.

Parental Alienation Example #1: Badmouthing one parent.

This can include criticizing or belittling the other parent to the child, or telling the child that his or her other parent is crazy, dangerous or otherwise unworthy of being a parent.

Example: David tells his daughter that her mother is unfit to be a mom. He says that she works too much now, and that she’s always been “crazy.” He tells his daughter that he’s worried that her mom won’t take “good enough” care of her when she visits.

Parental Alienation Example #2: Causing the child to reject the other parent.

This can include making the child feel guilty for loving the other parent, as well as creating parent-child conflict, forcing the child to choose between one or the other, and talking to the child about the divorce.

Example: When Sadie tells her dad that she loves and misses her mom, he scoffs and says, “Why?” He tries to get his daughter angry with her mother, even when her mother hasn’t done anything wrong, and he shares too many details about their divorce and other adult matters that should remain strictly between parents.

Parental Alienation Example #3: Interfering with the child’s visitation time and contact with the other parent.

This includes being chronically late to drop off the child (or picking the child up too early), finding reasons to keep the child when he or she is supposed to be with the other parent, excessively calling the child when he or she is with the other parent, or refusing the child to get in touch with the other parent.

Example: Billie comes up with excuses to prevent her stepdaughter from seeing her non-custodial mom. She purposely makes appointments for the child when it’s visitation time, or simply asks the child whether she feels like skipping the visit. Billie calls excessively when the little girl’s mom takes her to an amusement park and threatens the child with punishment if she fails to pick up the phone.

Parental Alienation Example #4: Undermining the child’s relationship with the other parent.

This includes interrogating the child about details of his or her visit with the other parent or asking the child to spy, as well as refusing to provide the other parent with information on the child or failing to invite the other parent to important activities (like conferences, school plays and things of that nature).

Example: Howie and his wife grill his children when they come home from a visit, demanding details about everything from what they ate to where they went and who they saw. They also refuse to let his ex-wife know how the kids are doing in school (or asks the school not to divulge information to her), and never mentions when there’s an important event coming up that his ex should be part of.

What Are the Signs of Parental Alienation?

The signs of parental alienation aren’t always easy to spot, but if you see them, it’s in your best interest to take your child to talk to a therapist or counselor as soon as possible. It can be incredibly painful and harmful – not just to the child, but to the alienated parent as well.

Some of the signs of parental alienation include:

Extreme negativity toward the alienated parent, including denying past positive experiences
Lack of remorse for hurting the alienated parent’s feelings
Preposterous reasons for being angry with the alienated parent
Saying that the rejection of the alienated parent is “all my idea”
Seeing one parent as “all-good” and the other as “all-bad”
Taking the side of the alienating parent, no matter what

What if Your Ex is Engaging in Parental Alienation?

If your ex is engaged in a campaign of parental alienation against you, you may be able to modify your custody order to help your child get out of the situation.

We may be able to help you. Remember, though, that every case is different. Call us at 209-546-6870 to schedule a consultation with a caring, compassionate and knowledgeable Stockton child custody attorney now.

Child Custody

Reasons to Modify Child Custody

June 27, 2019August 4, 2020
by Angie

If you’re a parent whose custody agreement isn’t working out, you probably already know that you have to have valid reasons to modify child custody… but what are those reasons, and what can you do if one of them applies?

Reasons to Modify Child Custody: The Basics

The court won’t grant your request to modify child custody if you can’t provide a valid reason for doing it. Typically, the courts favor an existing custody agreement over making changes – unless, of course, there’s been a significant change in your (or the other parent’s) circumstances.

Either parent can file a motion to modify child custody. The catch: The person filing for the change will have to show the court why it’s in the child’s best interest.

5 Common Reasons to Modify Child Custody

There are several reasons parents give for asking to modify an existing custody agreement. Some of the most common include when one parent:

Needs to relocate because of work or personal reasons
Is exercising religious practices that are harming the child
Has put the child in a dangerous environment
Is preventing the other parent from seeing the child
Has failed or is failing to properly care for the child

Let’s take a closer look at each – and remember, these aren’t the only reasons a court can modify custody. There are dozens more, and every case is different.

#1. Relocation

When a mom or dad needs to relocate – whether it’s for work or personal reasons – the parents may need to change the entire custody agreement. For example, if the child spends every other weekend with one parent, but that parent is moving out of state, it would be unreasonable to expect the custodial parent to make travel arrangements that frequently. It would probably be pretty hard on the child, too, depending on how far away the other parent was moving.

#2. Harmful Religious Practices

A judge won’t change custody because of one parent’s religion unless there’s proof of harm to the child. Dress codes, dietary restrictions and other activity restrictions aren’t usually big enough reasons to modify child custody. However, if there is proof of harm to the child – such as abuse or other issues – or when one parent threatens to take the child away to practice a particular religion (it happened in New York), the court may find that a change is in order.

#3. Putting the Child in a Dangerous Environment

If one parent puts the child in a dangerous environment – such as taking the child along to buy drugs or has an unsanitary and dangerous home (like in the case of hoarding) – the other parent may be able to ask the court to modify custody. There are several places and circumstances that can create a dangerous environment for kids. If you’re not sure whether something qualifies, talk to your Stockton custody lawyer about the situation. She’ll be able to help you sort things out.

#4. Preventing the Other Parent From Seeing the Child

If there’s a custody order in place, both parents are supposed to stick to it – it’s an official court order. However, when one parent prevents the other from seeing or spending time with the child, a modification might be necessary. This is extremely serious, and it’s harmful to the child (and everyone else involved). If this is going on in your situation, talk to an attorney about what you can do to help salvage your relationship with your child. You may also want to talk to a therapist with your child.

#5. Failure to Properly Care for the Child

Every parent has a responsibility to care for his or her children. When one parent fails at that responsibility, such as by failing to provide adequate food, shelter and clothing – or when the parent fails to emotionally care for the child – you may have a reason to modify child custody.

The bottom line, though, is that the parent asking for the modification has to show that there are significant changes that make the change necessary. You’ll have to provide the court with proof in order for the judge to consider your request.

Do You Need to Talk to a Lawyer About Your Reasons to Modify Child Custody?

If you need to discuss your situation with an attorney and find out what your options are as far as changing your custody agreement, we may be able to help you. Call us at 209-546-6870 to schedule a consultation with a caring, compassionate and knowledgeable Stockton divorce attorney now. We can also help you with issues related to parentage and child custody, spousal support and other divorce issues.

Divorce

Gaslighting and Divorce

March 12, 2019August 13, 2020
by Angie

If you’re like many people getting divorced in Stockton, you’re all too familiar with gaslighting – that’s when someone manipulates you psychologically so that you end up questioning your own sanity.

And unfortunately, gaslighting is pretty common in divorce and child custody battles.

Here’s what you need to know about this harmful psychological warfare.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a manipulation technique that some spouses dive into when a marriage starts spinning out of control. Narcissists commonly use it, but some people don’t know they’re doing it – they’re just doing it unconsciously.

The term gaslighting comes from a 1944 film in which a woman falls madly in love with a man. The man starts to display pathological behaviors and tampers with the gas light in the attic; that causes the lights in the house to dim. The woman tells her husband that she heard footsteps in the attic and the lights dimming, but he tells her it’s all in her mind. The woman begins questioning her own judgment.

Whether your spouse is gaslighting you intentionally or unintentionally, it’s a form of emotional abuse.

Gaslighting Behaviors

Sometimes a spouse who’s gaslighting you doesn’t realize he or she is doing it – but the behaviors are the same. These are some of the most common behaviors a gaslighter exhibits:

Denying that he or she said something, even when you have proof
Mismatching actions and words
Projection (accusing you of what they’re doing)
Telling blatant lies
Telling people – or you – that you’re “crazy”
Telling you everyone else is a liar
Trying to convince you that others don’t care about you, or that you can’t trust others
Using your personal characteristics to tear you down
Wearing you down over time

During a divorce, these behaviors can even extend to family, friends and coworkers – meaning that the gaslighter will contact these people and provide them with false information about you. The idea is to turn other people against you when it comes to your divorce and possible custody battles.

Sometimes, the gaslighter even tries to use the legal system to his or her advantage by filing false police reports against you or trying to make you appear as if you’re mentally unstable by pushing your buttons repeatedly.

This commonly happens in custody cases where one parent wants to push the narrative that you’re the “unstable” parent, and that the kids are better off without you. He or she may try to alienate your children from you. In cases like these, the gaslighting spouse knows better, but he or she is out to hurt you.

What to Do if Your Spouse Engages in Gaslighting Behaviors During Divorce

The best thing you can do if your spouse engages in gaslighting behaviors during your divorce is to stay away from him or her. Keep your communication to a minimum, and if you must communicate, work through a third party or get everything in writing (such as by communicating through email or text messages).

Let your Stockton divorce attorney know what’s going on – and that your spouse is doing his or her best to make things harder on you. By telling your lawyer that your spouse is being manipulative, you’re enabling her to protect your rights in court.

Do not allow your spouse to bait you. Even if you know you’re being gaslighted and your spouse is trying to alienate you from your children, you cannot overreact – if you do, your spouse will use your reactions against you.

Keep making efforts to maintain a meaningful relationship with your children, and document everything. Make sure you keep your attorney in the loop, too – she’ll be able to fight for what’s best for you and your kids when she knows the whole story.

Do You Need to Talk to a Stockton Divorce Lawyer?

If your soon-to-be ex-spouse is attempting to gaslight you during divorce or to bring about a custody battle, we may be able to help you.

Call us at (209) 546-6246 or contact us online to schedule an appointment with an attorney.

We can answer your questions about whether you’ll be required to pay or entitled to receive spousal support, how to figure out child custody and the division of property, and any other questions you may have. We may also be able to refer you to a therapist focusing on divorce issues and toxic relationships.

Divorce

What Does “Best Interests of the Child” Mean in…

July 31, 2017January 17, 2019
by Angie

Child custody cases in California typically revolve around the “best interests of the child.”

But what does that mean, and how does a judge who doesn’t know your family determine what’s in your children’s best interests?

What Does “Best Interests of the Child” Mean in California Courts?

When parents can’t agree on child custody on their own or through mediation, the judge in the case will have to reach a solution that works for everyone involved—but the judge’s primary concern is the child.

In a typical custody agreement, both parents have some time with the child; they share custody. It’s usually the amount of time each parent gets that trips everyone up, and that’s often where the judge has to step in.

How Judges Determine Child Custody in Stockton and Other California Jurisdictions

Both parents have equal rights to custody under the law, and judges can’t give preference to one parent over the other simply based on his or her gender.

When a judge must determine custody, he or she has to remember two things:

The children’s health, safety, and welfare is the court’s primary concern
Kids benefit from frequent, continuing contact with both of their parents

As long as the judge bears those two things in mind, he or she can consider any factor relevant to parenting.

Children’s Health and Safety in Custody Decisions

When a judge makes a decision on child custody, he or she has to consider factors that may affect the child’s health and safety. There are legal issues in some cases, such as when one parent has committed first-degree murder of the child’s other parent, or has been convicted of some types of physical or sexual child abuse (in those cases, judges are prohibited from granting custody or unsupervised visitation to that parent).

When Judges Can Limit Custody and Visitation

Judges can also limit custody and visitation when one parent has engaged in child abuse (or partner abuse), even if that abuse hasn’t resulted in a court conviction, provided that an independent and reliable source verifies that it has happened. Drug use and alcohol abuse are other factors that may relate to children’s health and safety, so judges can limit custody and visitation if they’re present, as well.

Does the Child’s Preference Matter in Custody Cases?

The law requires courts to consider a child’s preference when the child is mature enough to make an intelligent choice. There’s no specific age listed in the law, but typically, courts are more willing to listen to a child’s preferences when he or she is older and more mature. (A six-year-old’s preference may not carry as much weight as a 16-year-old’s preference will.)

Probability of Parental Alienation and Interference With Healthy Relationships

A judge must consider which parent is more likely to encourage a healthy relationship with the child’s other parent. Because judges have to remember that kids benefit from good relationships with both parents, this is a valid concern—and if there’s a probability of some form of parental alienation or interference with the other parent’s relationship with the child (or if it’s already happened), the court may restrict custody or visitation.

Which Parent Can Provide Stability and Continuity?

Judges prefer to keep kids’ lives as stable as possible, and that includes evaluating established patterns of care and the emotional bonds children share with their primary caretakers. Typically, judges keep siblings together unless there are extraordinary circumstances that make it necessary to separate them, as well.

Do You Need to Talk to a Stockton Child Custody Attorney?

If you’re contemplating divorce or you need help fighting for custody of your children, it may be a good idea to get in touch with an experienced child custody lawyer in Stockton. We can also answer your questions about child support, spousal support (alimony), and the divorce process in general.

Call us at 209-910-9865 or get in touch with us online for a divorce case evaluation. We’ll talk about your situation and start developing a strategy that gets you—and your kids—the best possible outcome.

Tag: <span>Parental Alienation</span>

3 Reasons You Should NEVER Involve Your Kids in…

What Does Involving Your Kids in Your Divorce Mean?

3 Reasons You Should NEVER Involve Your Kids in Your Divorce

Parental Alienation

Resentfulness

Forcing Kids to Be Too Mature

Do You Need to Talk to a Divorce Lawyer in Stockton?

Parental Alienation Examples

Parental Alienation Examples

Parental Alienation Example #1: Badmouthing one parent.

Parental Alienation Example #2: Causing the child to reject the other parent.

Parental Alienation Example #3: Interfering with the child’s visitation time and contact with the other parent.

Parental Alienation Example #4: Undermining the child’s relationship with the other parent.

What Are the Signs of Parental Alienation?

What if Your Ex is Engaging in Parental Alienation?

Reasons to Modify Child Custody

Reasons to Modify Child Custody: The Basics

5 Common Reasons to Modify Child Custody

#1. Relocation

#2. Harmful Religious Practices

#3. Putting the Child in a Dangerous Environment

#4. Preventing the Other Parent From Seeing the Child

#5. Failure to Properly Care for the Child

Do You Need to Talk to a Lawyer About Your Reasons to Modify Child Custody?

Gaslighting and Divorce

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting Behaviors

What to Do if Your Spouse Engages in Gaslighting Behaviors During Divorce

Do You Need to Talk to a Stockton Divorce Lawyer?

What Does “Best Interests of the Child” Mean in…

What Does “Best Interests of the Child” Mean in California Courts?

How Judges Determine Child Custody in Stockton and Other California Jurisdictions

Children’s Health and Safety in Custody Decisions

When Judges Can Limit Custody and Visitation

Does the Child’s Preference Matter in Custody Cases?

Probability of Parental Alienation and Interference With Healthy Relationships

Which Parent Can Provide Stability and Continuity?

Do You Need to Talk to a Stockton Child Custody Attorney?

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