Your top priority is doing what’s best for your children – and as a mom, that carries over into every aspect of your life. Are you working too much? Making enough money? Spending enough time with your kids? Signing them up for enough extracurricular activities? Aren’t there any specific divorce tips for moms you could use to do better?
Are you doing a good enough job?
If you’re like most moms, you’re your own toughest critic. The good news: You’re doing just fine – and even though you’re working your way through a divorce, your kids are going to be okay. Statistically, children of divorce turn out well, and they have the best outcomes when their parents truly care about what’s best for them.
And that’s you. You do care about what’s best for them, and you’re doing the best you possibly can right now. Check out our divorce tips for moms to make sure you’re staying grounded. (Hint: You probably are.)
Divorce Tips for Moms
If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Check out these five divorce tips for moms to see if you could put any of them to use in your life:
Know that you’re normal.
Don’t be afraid to rely on support.
Create boundaries and stick to them.
Get control over your finances.
Keep moving forward.
Let’s take a closer look at each of these.
#1. Know that you’re normal.
You’re on an emotional roller coaster when you’re going through a divorce – and you’ll have good days and bad days. That’s completely normal. So are all the feelings you experience, ranging from anger to sadness to a sense of hope for the future. While it sounds like a cliché, know that the feelings you’re experiencing now are more than just normal… they’re temporary. This will pass.
We’re hard-wired to talk to other people for support, so don’t be afraid to talk to people in your support network. Family and friends can be great resources during times like these – but if you need to talk to a professional, do it. Talking to a divorce counselor or therapist can be a great way to learn new coping strategies and work through some of the things you’re experiencing right now.
While you were married to your ex, you had a certain way of dealing with each other, including the ways you communicated about your children. You don’t have to stick to the status quo now – you can do what works best for your own emotional well-being. That means if your ex wants to argue, you can get off the phone; if your ex wants to stop by and visit, you can say no. Creating healthy boundaries is a good way to start moving forward.
Whether you worked during your marriage or you stayed home with your children, you need to get control over your own finances when you divorce. Separate your money and talk to your Stockton divorce attorney about what you can expect as far as paying or receiving spousal support (commonly called alimony). Talk to your attorney about child support, too, because in California, both parents are responsible for providing for their children.
It doesn’t always feel like it, but your divorce will eventually be over – and then you’ll be moving forward to a more positive future. There’s no way around it; divorce is a major life change. If you keep moving forward, your kids will learn from your example. They’ll end up being more resilient and able to cope with the challenges that come their way, too. Focus on doing what’s right for you and your children, now and once your divorce is final, and your whole family will emerge from the process just fine.
Do You Need to Talk to a Lawyer About Divorce?
These divorce tips for moms can help you out, but they’re not a substitute for legal advice. If you’re getting divorced, or if you’re still just thinking about it, you may need to talk to an attorney who can preserve your – and your children’s – rights. Call us right away at (209) 546-6870 or get in touch with a Stockton divorce attorney online to schedule a consultation today.
Experts agree that divorce affects kids, but just how it does is still a matter of debate – especially because each child is different.
But there are a few common themes in the ways divorce affects children, and here’s what top psychologists have to say.
3 Common Ways Divorce Affects Kids
While children react differently to divorce, many of the same aspects affect them across the board. The common themes include:
Stress and anxiety
Lowered confidence levels
Acting out
#1: Stress and Anxiety
Just like it is for you, divorce is stressful for children. They handle stress differently than adults do, though.
“The dependent child’s short term reaction to divorce can be an anxious one. So much is different, new, unpredictable, and unknown that life becomes filled with scary questions. What is going to happen to next? Who will take care of me? If my parents can lose for each other, can they lose love for me? With one parent moving out, what if I lose the other too?” says Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., psychologist and author of 15 parenting books.
How You Can Help
Keep conflict away from the children
Minimize daily disruptions and stick to a schedule so kids know what to expect
Make sure both parents are involved in the kids’ day-to-day lives
#2: Lowered Confidence Levels
Like adults, kids can suffer blows to self-esteem and confidence. A period of uncertainty – like a divorce – can cause children to blame themselves for what’s going on because they connect the world around them to their own identities.
“Kids tend to be ‘egocentric’ and believe that their behavior or thoughts cause bad events. They need to know that the adults have made this decision based on their relationship and it has nothing to do with them,” says licensed clinical social worker Meri Wallace.
How You Can Help
Reassure your kids that the divorce is not their fault
Participate in their lives and plan team activities
Answer questions honestly, but in age-appropriate ways
#3: Acting Out
Children act out in many ways – sometimes through smart comments and “bad” attitudes, and sometimes in more damaging ways.
“Often, negative comments from your children are expressions of distress and not criticism. Children want and need encouragement, support, and security during times of stress and change. If their needs are not being met because one or both parents are too caught up in their own hurt and drama, it is not surprising to hear negative comments and outbursts,” says Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, who is also a parenting coach and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents.
How You Can Help
Assure your child that he or she is safe and very loved by both of you
Talk to your child about what’s causing the undesirable behavior
Find a family therapist who can help your child develop new coping strategies
While no two children will be hit the same way by divorce, there are always ways you can proactively help yours – and understanding these three common themes is the right start.
Call us at 209-910-9865 to schedule your divorce case review. You’ll talk to an experienced Stockton divorce lawyer who can give you the advice you need to begin moving forward.
Experts agree that divorce affects kids, but how, and can they rebound? Here’s what you need to know.
Effects of Divorce on Kids
If you’re like most parents going through a divorce, your primary concern is your kids’ health and happiness. You’re probably worried about whether your split will traumatize your kids – and you’re wondering if there’s anything you can do to make the process (and the aftermath) easier on them.
The good news is that while experts agree divorce affects children, they also agree that there are many things parents can do to help their children bounce back and become more resilient and emotionally strong than ever.
How Does Divorce Affect Kids?
The uncertainty about what’s going to happen next, the conflict they see between their parents, and the disparities in parenting styles after the divorce are most difficult for kids to cope with.
“Divorce introduces a massive change into the life of a boy or girl no matter what the age. Witnessing loss of love between parents, having parents break their marriage commitment, adjusting to going back and forth between two different households, and the daily absence of one parent while living with the other, all create a challenging new family circumstance in which to live,” says Dr. Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D.
Kids have to deal with:
Major lifestyle changes
Moving to a different home
Not seeing or spending time with both their parents at the same time
Adjusting to these changes can take a while. Many younger kids fantasize about their parents getting back together, and kids of all ages may blame themselves.
What kids really want is to “feel more connected in a family situation where a major disconnection has occurred,” says Dr. Pickhardt.
You can help, though, by establishing a sense of order and predictability. Know that most kids adjust well over time, and the vast majority have bounced back before two years have elapsed. Kids are resilient!
According to Scientific American, “Children fare better if parents can limit conflict associated with the divorce process or minimize the child’s exposure to it. Further, children who live in the custody of at least one well-functioning parent do better than those whose primary parent is doing poorly.”
To help mitigate the effects of divorce on kids, you can:
Support your children and provide loving, caring environments where kids can share their feelings
Answer questions in age-appropriate, honest ways
Provide emotional support in other areas of the kids’ lives
Stick to the same parenting styles during and after divorce
Provide middle-of-the-road rules; not too strict and not too lax
Make sure your children have social support from their peers
Your attorney will tell you not to involve your children in the ugly parts of your divorce – you can’t use them as messengers between you and your ex, and you can’t use them as miniature therapists. However, it is important that both parents communicate clearly with kids by answering questions honestly (in age-appropriate ways) and by reassuring children that even though they don’t love each other, they will always love the kids.
Are You a Parent Who Needs Information on Divorce?
Call us at 209-910-9865 to schedule your divorce case review. You’ll talk to an experienced Stockton divorce lawyer who can give you the advice you need to begin moving forward.
