Preparing for divorce is tough – especially if you’ve never been through this type of split before and don’t know what to expect. You can make things easier on yourself by talking to a Stockton divorce lawyer before you file; during your initial consultation, you can ask specific questions, find out how the process works and what you can expect. From there, your attorney will walk you through the entire process.
In the meantime, here’s what you need to know about preparing for divorce.
Preparing for Divorce: 5 Things You Need to Do Before You File
Check out these five things you need to do as you prepare to divorce your spouse:
Build your support network
Commit to staying civil
Stay focused on your goal
Organize your finances
Be ready to negotiate
Let’s take a closer look at each.
#1. Build your support network
Divorce is tough, and dealing with it alone makes it that much harder. While your attorney can give you legal advice, you may need someone to give you personal advice or help you learn new coping strategies to deal with the stresses you’re facing every day. Family and friends can be great resources when you need divorce support – and don’t forget that you can always talk to a divorce counselor or therapist, too. (And so can your kids!)
You’re more likely to get what you want out of your divorce if you commit to staying civil with your spouse – and if you have children, civility is a necessity. You and your spouse will continue to parent your kids long into the future, which means you have to at least refrain from verbally attacking each other when you communicate. We’re not saying that you have to get along with your ex, but you do have to try to be polite and willing to negotiate throughout the process.
If you’re like most people, your main goal is to make it through your divorce with a reasonably satisfying outcome. You don’t want the whole world, but you don’t want to settle for less than you deserve from your marriage, either. Keep your eye on the fact that your divorce will be over in time – sooner if you and your spouse reach agreements on your own – and that you can begin moving forward right now.
Divorce is a big financial change for most people. Whether one of you stayed home and cared for the children or you both worked during your marriage, you’re likely going to see some changes in your bank accounts. One spouse may have to pay the other child support and spousal support, and you may need to part with some of your assets to pay off your joint debts. You’ll be more successful if you organize your finances now, while you’re still preparing for divorce. That may mean:
Opening bank accounts and lines of credit in only your name
Removing your name from bank accounts and lines of credit you share with your spouse
Getting a job
Learning what assets and debts you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse have
Gathering documentation on all your assets and debts to share with your attorney
You should definitely talk to your attorney before you take any major steps (like getting a job or quitting a job), and you should never drain joint financial accounts.
As you prepare for divorce, know that legally, what you’re doing is dissolving a marriage contract. That means you’ll have to go through a negotiation process to get what you want from the divorce. Be ready for give-and-take when it comes to dividing your property (California is a community property state, so you’ll have to divide the assets you accumulated while you were married) – and when it comes to child custody, too. The judge won’t approve your plans unless they’re fair to everyone involved.
If you’re like most people who are considering a marital split, you need to know how to prepare for divorce – from finances to breaking the news to your kids. And there’s no question about it: preparing for divorce takes time and resources.
Here’s what you need to know.
How to Prepare for Divorce
Other than the emotional side of divorce, which also requires preparation, you have to think about things like money, your kids and so much more – all while keeping up with your daily obligations. Here are seven steps you need to take to prepare for divorce:
Deal with your emotions
Gather documentation
Consider your job prospects
Make a financial plan
Set goals
Talk to a lawyer about your options
Help your children
1. Deal With Your Emotions
Divorce is a highly emotional process, even if you’ve known it was coming for a long time. Unfortunately, divorce is also a process that requires you to make tough decisions – and big emotions don’t always help you make good choices. For many people, that means talking to a therapist or counselor to help sort things out.
When you file for divorce, you’ll need to have several documents that back up your financial claims – like bank statements, income tax returns, pay stubs and credit card statements. You’ll also need birth certificates, your kids’ Social Security numbers and other documents. If you pull all this information together before you talk to an attorney, you’ll be able to find it quickly when he or she needs it.
3. Consider Your Job Prospects
If you haven’t worked in a while, it may be time to start looking for a job. You may also decide it’s time to invest in your education so you can get an even better job once you’re on your own. Talk to your lawyer about what you should do if you’ve been the supported spouse; you might be entitled to spousal support that helps you get on your feet.
You can’t count on spousal support or child support until you have a signed court order in your hand. You need to develop a financial plan – including a budget – that you can work with during and after your divorce. (Again, if you’re not working, talk to your attorney about what you can do.)
It’s also imperative that you understand your family’s finances. You need to know what assets you and your spouse share, how much you owe, and how much money comes in each month.
Be realistic when you’re planning your divorce. You need to know what you want out of your divorce – whether it’s a certain amount of time with your children or it has to do with the assets you’ve accumulated during your marriage – and you need to be clear about your goals with your attorney. You can’t expect the judge to order your spouse to award you millions in spousal support payments each month, give you the house and leave your spouse destitute; that’s not realistic, and you’ll only be disappointed (and dissatisfied with a reasonable outcome).
6. Talk to a Lawyer About Your Options
When you’re ready, it’s time to talk to an attorney. Your attorney can answer all your questions and help you through the process, explaining each step.
After you break the news to your kids – which experts suggest doing together, as a couple – it’s your job to help them cope. There are several ways you can do that (like through divorce books for kids, spending extra time together and more), but through it all, the most important thing to do is reassure your kids that you love them and that you’ll always be their parent.
There are myriad reasons you shouldn’t get into another relationship before the ink is dry on your divorce decree (and definitely not before it’s even been signed). One of the most important is your own well-being; you need time to readjust to your new normal. Besides that, if your soon-to-be ex finds out that you’re in a new relationship, your chances of negotiating your own settlement can drop drastically.
Divorce isn’t a contest. You’re both just trying to make it out with a reasonable outcome, so you both have to act that way. If you try to use the legal system to “win” and to make your spouse “lose,” you’re not going to get very far. Judges won’t sign off on things that aren’t fair to both parties.
Studies show that involving your children in your divorce can be tremendously harmful to their well-being. Instead of using your kids as messengers or worse, using them to hurt your ex, it’s best for them if you reassure them that you’ll both always love them – and that you know it’s important they have relationships with both of you. That way, your kids can bounce back once they adjust to their new circumstances.
Everybody needs support, especially during a tough time like divorce. You, your children and your ex could likely all benefit from talking to a trained professional who can teach you new coping strategies. Your therapist can also give you advice, listen to you vent and help you start planning for the future.
During your divorce, it’s very important that you’re completely honest about your assets – and that you don’t get rid of anything. The courts don’t look to favorably on those who try to cheat the system, and hiding your assets (or disposing of them) can really backfire on you. If you’re wondering if it’s okay to hide money from your spouse, the answer is definitely no.
Unfortunately, sometimes it’s necessary for someone to secretly prepare for divorce. Whether you’re a victim of domestic violence or you’re concerned that your spouse will do something rash (physically or otherwise), it may be in your best interest to keep quiet about your plans until you’re ready to take action.
You can secretly prepare for divorce in many of the same ways that are listed here – you’ll want to prepare yourself emotionally, gather documents, make a financial plan and talk to an attorney about your options. If your safety is an issue, let your attorney know – she’ll be able to provide you with resources you can use to stay safe (and keep your children safe) while you start the process.
Do You Need to Talk to a Lawyer About How to Prepare for Divorce?
If you’re thinking about divorce, it’s time to prepare. Call us at 209-910-9865 to schedule your consultation with a divorce lawyer – we’ll answer all your questions and start building a strategy that gets you and your kids the best possible outcome.
