

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”Christopher Robin
Practical Parenting Now: A Promise 4 the Heart was originally posted by Dr. Thomas Maples. Dr. Maples provides parenting and co-parenting support through his podcast, blog, and vlog. Find out more at drthomasmaples.com.
This article discusses issues around co-parenting based on a child’s interests. What child doesn’t need to hear the words spoken above? Unfortunately, when divorce and child custody battles loom, oftentimes, children may go without the luxury of hearing they are simply good enough.
Take the time to show them that they are brave. Believe in their inner capacity for success. Do not give in to their inner critic. Help them nurture that inner strength you know is there. Show them the true nature of their genius.
If you are considering a divorce in California, there are a few things you need to know. Our last article examined the need to establish residency, establish the grounds, complete and file the paperwork, and ensure proper service. In this blog post, we will outline the next four steps you need to take to legally end your marriage in the Golden State. Remember that while these steps provide a general overview of the process, every divorce is unique and may require additional steps. So if you have any specific questions about your family law matter, it is best to speak with a qualified attorney.
After you have filed your paperwork and served your spouse, the next step is to wait for a response. If your spouse does not respond to the petition within 30 days, you can proceed with the next steps. However, if they respond, you will need to work out any disagreements before moving forward.
Even if you and your spouse agree on everything, the law requires you to wait at least six months from the filing date before it can be finalized. This waiting period is in place to give couples time to reconcile their differences.
If you and your spouse cannot agree on all the terms, you must attend a settlement hearing or a trial. At the settlement hearing, a judge will try to help you and your spouse agree on all disputed issues. If you can still not agree, your case will go to trial, and a judge will make the final decisions about your case.
Once all the above steps have been completed, you will receive your final order. This document will outline all the terms, including child custody, visitation, child support, spousal support, and property division. Once you have received this document, your divorce will be official, and you can move on with your life.
These four steps are a general overview of the process. However, every family law matter is unique, and you may need to take additional steps. So if you have any specific questions, it is best to speak with a qualified attorney.
Original Article Posted at drthomasmaples.com
As a family therapist, I oftentimes see children who have been labeled by their schools, parents, or other professional parties involved in their life with behavioral disturbances. What is not seen, or is oftentimes overlooked by these parties is the effects family stress has on the development of emotional conflicts that underlie their problematic behaviors.
While divorce is a common occurrence in our country, and children are ultimately left to make sense of the fallout from a family divided, their interests are oftentimes overlooked by the loved ones and professionals who are charged to keep their best interest in mind as their burgeoning minds develop key understanding about what it means to relate with others, find love of self within, accept one’s emerging emotional landscape, develop an autonomous and independent identity, and ultimately learn how to love others in the fruitful garden we call life.
While divorce is common, our children’s reactions to it may differ. Some factors that may increase problematic behaviors include temperament, personality, and whether pre-existing mental health conditions are present. While children are each unique, as a parent, it is key that you understand your child’s emotional state pre-separation so that you can help them to identify and work through the emotions that underlie any problematic behaviors that arise.
Ultimately, you will teach your child to grieve the death of their parent’s relationship, work through it, and accept the emotions they have about your separation. Through this process, they can develop new healthy relationships with you and your ex as independent parents, both capable of guiding them to a sense of homeostasis. This is the foundation of creating a co-parenting journey for your child to become a healthy adult.
Although this may sound like common sense, it is often all but common practice as parents’ are grieving themselves. More common is a trajectory of grieving parents getting lost in their personal battles, forgetting to help their children tend to the garden of their emotional grief.
If you are undergoing a divorce, child custody litigation, or are thinking about ways to break the news to your child, there are some things you can prepare for to help yourself and your child deal with the onslaught of stress caused by an impending separation.
Realize your child will lose contact with a major influence in their life. While custody arrangements may dictate what parent has their child’s legal or physical interests as a primary responsibility, this does nothing to negate the loss of a parent, the psychological equivalent of undertaking a death in the family. While not an excuse, children cannot express themselves in a manner equivalent to adults, who, at times during the divorce process, maybe as conflicted as their children are in handling the emotional distress caused by separation and divorce.
1. Create active and empathic communication between yourself and your child(ren) as it relates to your mutual emotional states (but do not communicate the affairs of the divorce or conflict/be neutral)
Children learn emotions and emotional reactions through watching your reactions to emotional distress. Through communication, you can both learn and teach your children effective ways to handle stress.
2. Be firm, fair, and consistent in your rules and expectations.
Children undergoing divorce may have emotional and behavioral outbursts. Expect them to cry, yell, swear, or possibly show even more volatile behaviors that will need to be addressed professionally. They have lost a parent and are undergoing highly conflicted emotional states as they learn to adapt to two home environments.
3. When in doubt, seek professional help.
Children who undergo divorce can have severe emotional reactions, sometimes leading to sexual promiscuity, use of drugs or alcohol, or face significant school-related deficits as they learn to handle the emotional stress present in adapting to a family divided.
Stay tuned for more on Childhood, Divorce, and the Emotional reactions common to a family divided.
Dr. Thomas Maples
Considering a divorce in California? You will want to know what the process entails. Dissolving a marriage can be a complicated process, but with the help of an experienced family law attorney, it can be much easier.
This blog post will outline steps 1 through 4 of the 8 steps you need to take to get a divorce in California. Remember that every situation is unique. Always consult an attorney before undertaking any legal proceedings.
No two relationships are ever the same. This means that breakups aren’t, either, and your process will vary according to what type of divorce you choose and your particular needs.
That being said, most California divorces will require you to take these eight basic steps:
You can’t file for divorce in California unless you live in California. Hence, before you file for divorce, you should double-check to ensure you meet the residency requirements.
You must live in California for at least six months and in the county where you plan to file your divorce petition for three months before filing. If you don’t meet these residency requirements, you will not be able to move forward with your divorce until you do.
California is a no-fault divorce state. A no-fault divorce means that neither spouse can blame the other for the dissolution of the marriage. The most common reason cited is irreconcilable differences. In a no-fault divorce, all that needs to be proved is that the marriage is “irreparably broken” and that there is no hope for reconciliation.
After determining your grounds for divorce and meeting the residency requirements, you must file the correct paperwork with your county superior court. You will need to file a Petition for the Dissolution of Marriage and any other required forms. Once you have filed these forms, you will need to pay a filing fee. The cost can vary depending on your county.
After you have filed your divorce petition with the court, you will need to “serve” your spouse with the papers. You must give them a copy of the petition and other required forms. You need to have someone at least 18 years old, and not a party to your case serve the necessary documents.
This article explored four preliminary steps to obtaining a divorce in California. Look out for the following article, where we will outline what to expect after the response, the mandatory wait time, the settlement hearing/divorce trial, and the divorce order.
Remember, divorce can be complicated. At times, one party may not be ready for a divorce. In that case, it may be beneficial to seek pre-divorce therapy with a licensed psychotherapist experienced in marital therapy. However, divorce may be your only option if you have thoroughly exhausted with your spouse the use of psychotherapy. Nevertheless, counseling can help you bridge the gap often found in contested separation cases. team can help you navigate the confusion of divorce, the division of property, spousal support, and the numerous other questions that arise during this challenging time in life.
You were swept off your feet by prince charming, but instead you married a frog. At first, he seemed to be everything you dreamed of; but after unwrapping the layers, you found a Narcissistic sociopath of a man with impulse control issues and a mommy complex.
She was the light of your life, a statuesque pillar of beauty that you had long sought to be with. She was everything you could ever want and more. But after seeing behind the beauty, there was a neurotic, critical, self-loathing shell of a person behind the mask of beauty she portrayed.
Does this sound familiar?
It may, or may not, dependent on your prior relationship experience. If you have never been exposed to the above scenarios, great. You are in a category of very few people, and hopefully you have found the key to your “happily ever after.” However, for everyone else, we have been exposed to relationship dysfunction, where, sometimes the traits we perceive a person to have at the beginning of the relationship differ greatly from the product we get as the intense feelings of new love die down, and the real work underlying relationships begin.
Whether we are exposed to these types of relationships personally or through the second hand experiences of friends or loved ones, we understand and become exposed to the dysfunction these relationships can cause. Buzzwords that combine mental health complexes and diagnoses such as narcissism, borderline, or more severe terms such as pathogenic, pathological, sociopathic, or even psychopathic seems to be the yardstick by which we judge our modern day relationships. Has this always been the case? or is this somehow a new phenomenon in today’s more fast paced world. Either way, it seems that nowadays we judge our relationships based upon the way we perceive other people’s love lives to be. We simply focus on other peoples “happily ever after” at the expense of never creating our own.
In modern times, our personal relationships are distracted. We judge ourselves based upon the Hollywood glamour couple that walks the red carpet,tThe limelight reflecting from their eyes and dress, eliciting deep feelings of attraction, longing, and even envy. Even though they may seem individually radiant, something greater reflects from them as a couple, as we turn our inquisitive eyes to the picture perfect ideals they portray. We see them as they are portrayed, yet something within us allows us to create a picture perfect romance / family storyline by which we ultimately judge our personal relationship as well, “drab” in comparison.
A second example comes from the business couple, dressed to the nine. They are a picture to behold, wearing the newest and most expensive designer garments, driving the designer car, living in the designer house, having what seems to be even designer children. They are a snapshot of perfection as it relates to the American Dream. Is this reality they have created, in essence the truth? Or are the looks the media portrays misleading, or even worse, outright lies that hide the truth of what is behind the mask of what is perceived to be the socially acceptable “American Dream Family.”
It is human nature to judge ourself based upon what we perceive others to have. The Hollywood couple is broadcast to us in our homes. However the images portrayed show them surrounded by the limelight. We may, or may not yearn for this lifestyle, but nevertheless we begin to perceive a version of that reality as not being within our grasp, and may begin to focus on what we don’t have versus what we do have. We may see a power couple, business in their attire, walking to work, getting ready for a busy day. They may seem the picture of stability, intellectual prowess, and business disposition; but is their outer appearance truth, or what we perceive it to be as we pass immediate judgment on outer appearances. Or, even better, we may see an old couple, and yearn to have that experience in our lives. Don’t we deep down inside, all have the longing to grow old with another person. An example of longevity in relationship, a pillar of the human capacity to overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness and take a chance at love. Even though we may have no clue as to how to approach the work needed to assure that the relationship we seek can get past the first year, let alone the 1st through the 5th decade of the married life we foretell will be perfect, we nevertheless judge our life in a perspective that is not fully known nor can be known without simply having experienced it in all its grandeur.
The storylines in these scenarios play to the inherent human condition we as people have to judge ourselves based upon what we perceive to be the perfect lives of others. Good or Bad, Right or Wrong, Holy or Evil, Night or Day, Venus or Mars, Narcissistic or Borderline, our mind creates categories by which we not only judge our individual and relational lives, but also the individual and relational lives of others. While the ability to perceive and judge is foundational to the human condition, it does not have to be its demise.
In relationships, we find the capacity to be mirrored. For whatever reason, we seem to choose people that mirror the aspects of our life that are in need of the most psychological repair. While marriages seem to come and go, and a majority of the relationship conflict seen within marriage and after is caused by this mirroring phenomena, we must nevertheless operate in unison with it in order realize the growth potential relationships offer us. While mirroring is a fundamental aspect of positive relationships, it can nevertheless point towards painful and even unwelcoming aspects of ourselves that we must face in order to become greater individuals.
I know, we do not consciously sign up for the above scenarios. We don’t choose the faults of our significant others, consciously that is. But those faults were there. If only your eyes could have seen the love blinding glasses that were present when you chose to overlook those same very faults that now lead to the break in your relationship. While the philosophy and the moral repercussions that surround divorce can be very complex, if looked at objectively, the lessons learned can be simple, engaging, and life changing.
Relationships are a multifaceted, difficult to understand phenomenon that requires constant upkeep and a general willingness to push through the hard times to succeed. They are work, and unfortunately, for many, the happily does not come ever after. Whether you have been married, scared by love, or simply are yearning to find someone to spend life with, it is imperative to know yourself before taking this step. A therapist can help in this process, but you also have the power to engage the lessons needed to overcome past barriers, get to know yourself, develop deep, introspective love, and move on with your love life.
Dr. Thomas Maples
After a long weeks work, and what seemed an endless myriad of distractions and daily stresses life could throw my way, I heard a beautiful saying from a public add council. Simply put “it only takes a moment to make a moment.” Sitting back in reflection, all of the sudden the week seemed somehow less inundating, as I […]
via It Only Takes a Moment to Make a Moment! — THE STOCKTON THERAPY NETWORK
How people treat you is their karma; how your react is yours.
Wayne Dyer
People long to be in relationships. The idea of being alone versus being in a loving relationship is enough to encourage even the coldest of hearts to take the blind leap of faith into the uncharted territory of human relationships. Let’s face it, love is not just an emotion, it’s a journey. While we may be blinded by the incredible feelings associated with love during its initial phase, as it matures, we quickly get to know the hard work that is needed to keep two people content within their relationship. While love is the greatest emotion we will ever undertake, it also comes with a price.
The rewards and consequences of love occur on a grand scale. It teaches us how to fully partake in our personal life journey, while also showing us ways be compassionate and empathic of others. Love assures our personal development by teaching us how to work and grow in relationships to others. It’s no wonder, that when love is lost, and a heart is broken, we become enslaved to a number negative emotional states commonly associated with the grieving process.
The loss of love triggers emotional grieving in an amplified state. Dependent on the time spent within relationship and the attachment level present, love-loss can cause melancholy for some and downright anger, depression, and feelings of jealousy, envy, and hatred for others. These are common to grief process, but unlike the grief common to loosing someone to death, when love is lost, no sense of finality is present. When a relationship endsthe parties must face, negotiate, and work through the very difficulties they oftentimes found impossible to work through while they were together. This initiates such emotional states as confusion, fear, anger, and sadness. While these feelings also exist independently of love, the loss of love serves to heighten their presence.
Love-loss is hard for all parties involved. This is especially true for children, who must make sense of their new home environment in light of the loss of one parent. During the grieving process, emotions undergo highly amplified states. Anger can turn to jealousy, hatred, or even vengeance, and it is not uncommon for heated arguments, fights, splitting, violence, or other highly negative reactions to occur during a break-up. While these emotions may appear negative in scope, they ultimately help a person to integrate, accept, and move on from their loss. It is through grief that a person acquires the self-knowledge and self-love to re-engage in relationships with others. While grief promotes psychological health, if the negative emotional states are projected by one or both parents onto their children, it will greatly affect their capacity to integrate, accept, and move on from the effects the divorce or relationship break has on their psychological development. It is in these circumstances that roles reverse, and the parent’s seek solace from their children to handle unwanted feelings they are incapable or resistant to face.
It is normal to seek solace during times of discomfort. The saying “misery loves company” is a testament to the fact that we seek comfort from relationships, even during times of when relationships have caused psychological despair. However, in times of grief, especially as it relates to the loss of love, it is important to differentiate between those you must help to realize their emotional state (your children), those you can count on (your friends), and the one you need to focus on most (yourself) to help you work through the tough times that follow separation. It is imperative to form your emotional support team, so that you can vent your frustrations, fears, and longings onto people that will be in support of you, not those that are dependent upon you. If you are strong, your children will learn to be strong in the face of negative emotional states.
In divorce, emotions are rampant. So, in order not to project your emotions onto the one’s you love, it is important to understand the emotional environment that accompanies love, so that we can become explorers of and not slaves to the volatile emtional reactions love-loss can cause.
Love is a primary emotion. In fact, many other feelings such as fear, anger, sadness, and happiness make up the emotional experience of love. For example, fear as an emotion is also primary. At its root, fear keeps us safe by triggering the fight or flight response. It affects us at the physical and the emotional level, by constricting physical and mental processes to a point of hypertension and hyperawareness. Although the cause of fear differs amongst individuals, the outcome of its effects are universal: fight, flight, or freeze (emotional / physical paralysis). While fear is an independent primary emotion that keeps us safe, its effect is also found within the emotional repertoire of love.
Self love, preservation, and fear of loss (either of self or other) elicits fear to arise. Fear can be seen as a negative emotion, but it also has positive qualities. At its root, fear keeps us alive, so we can self-preserve, which in turn allows us the luxury of feeling the many other emotional states love elicits. Without fear, we simply would not be alive long enough to undertake the life journey love fosters.
The same is true with anger. Any person facing a divorce or a break in a relationship knows that anger is a potent emotion that must be dealt with. At its root lies the fear of loss and fear of the unknown. These fears, in turn, prepare us to act in a manner that is self-preserving. Because of this, anger is a primary defense mechanism that keeps us safe from scenarios that we perceive will cause more emotional distress. In order to avoid projecting anger, we must learn ways to control this emotional state so that we may spare others from suffering in its path. Even though anger may seem like a negative emotion, at its root is love.
Whether love for self or love for other, we would not display anger if we did not have an emotional tie to that which angered us. This emotional tie is love. Whatever angers us, whether it be a topic that causes disgust, the actions of another that has bothers you, or an aspect of yourself that you simply are angry about, anger could not exist if you are indifferent about that which angers you. From this perspective, the opposite of love is not hate, instead it is indifference, which is the state most commonly associated with acceptance.
Sadness is no different. When faced with loss, anger and sadness ebbs and flows. They amplify one another, providing a means for us to make sense of what has happened. Love is also a cause of sadness. When we loose something, we grieve. The grieving process is nothing more than a series of emotions tied to love. Fear of loss, anger at that which we have lost, and sadness for the time spent and the time we will no longer have with the person that we have lost drives the storyline underlying sadness and the grieving process. Sadness is simply anger’s capacity to turn inward, once the object that has angered you is gone. Sadness allows us to take moral inventory. From this perspective, we can reflect upon the lessons needed to be learned, so that we can make sense of and move on with our personal development outside of the relationship. Being such, sadness is also the last emotion common to the grieving process, and once it is worked through, acceptance, happiness, and the capacity to move on with life can be achieved.
The final emotion associated with love is happiness. This elusive, yet necessary emotion drives the journey we undertake to fulfill personal and relational dreams. Everyone chases happiness, yet they rarely take the time to see those elements that exist in their life that promote its presence. Look beside you. Even though you may have lost an aspect of your love (the person you chose to be with), your children remain a physical representation of your love’s creative capacity. Although your happiness must take into account that which you already have, not what you long to have back in your life, it is imperative to know that your happiness cannot be dependent on your children.
An inherent danger during the early phase of separation exists in the emotional reactions a break in the relationship will cause. In most cases, one or both parties have become complacent in their relationship. Because of this complacency, one party is usually taken off guard about the intentions and actions of the other. When this happens, the emotional void present from the love-loss is often filled by a need to project loving energy towards a third party. In many cases, the recipient of the projected emotional states, good and bad, are the children of the newly broken relationship. This type of behavior can cause a relational rift to develop between the child and the other parent. If one or either parent buys for the attention of the child, it can cause stress on the other parental relationship, placing the child in a position of power over the broken parental dyad. In the case of marital dissolution, it is this dynamic that oftentimes underlies heated child-custody debates, where ultimately the child ends up in charge of their destiny, playing one parent against the other, bringing the court into the wake of these childlike dynamics. Children must be allowed to grieve their parents divorce on their own terms, draw conclusions about what happened via a storyline both parents can agree upon, and be maintained within an environment that fosters open communication. This fosters an environment where a child can make sense of the independent relationship they wish to pursue with both parents, freeing them from emotional reactions one or either parent my have against the other.
Children face a number of torrential emotions post divorce. However, children are dependent upon their parents to help them make sense of their emotional state, and not vice-versa. Children learn how to cope with emotions through emulation of behaviors and habits their parents show them. If a parent relies on their children for emotional support, or try to over-extend the boundaries of parenthood to be inclusive of friendship, the consequences can be staggering. You cannot make up for your divorce by buying your child’s love. Instead, this form of behavior teaches the child to suppress emotional health through materialism, or even worse, abdicates parental responsibility for the emotional health of your child onto a person that has yet to attain the emotional maturity needed to handle the painful emotions that follow love loss.
As adults, you have experience with emotional states. You may have had multiple attempts at love, before you found mister or misses right, and even though this relationship has also been unsuccessful, you know the heartbreak that accompanies a love that is lost. Your children have yet experienced this heartache, and oftentimes know nothing about the grieving process. It is up to you, to help them make sense of their emotions, without projecting your own onto them, especially as it relates to the fears, anger, sadness, and self reflective memories you likely hold in response to the love is lost.
During separation and divorce, your children will also feel fear, anger, sadness, and even moments of happiness as they grieve the loss of their family relationship. YOU ARE A PART OF THIS, even though you are not the only party that caused this grief. At best, your child will be able to see that fault lies with both parties. Even if it was only one party that initiated the separation, remember, it takes to two to tango, especially within the tenets of a relationship. At worst, a child may feel to blame, as they attempt to make sense of the love-loss they feel because of absence of one or both parents they face. While tending to one’s emotional state is hard work, don’t project the feelings you have regarding your child’s other half onto them. No matter what the status of your relationship, that person is still a parent to your child, and even though you may have separated, they will remain a person of influence for the rest of their life. Furthermore, your child will determine the relationship they wish to have with you and their other parent, regardless of the barriers you or a court may impose. Children yearn for the love of both parents, and any barrier imposed by a third party will ultimately have repercussions on the person imposing that barrier, even if it is created by one parent or by orders of a court. If you can, work with your spouse, learn ways to communicate with one another that removes the barriers you once had while together, and you may just be able to help your child overcome the adversities divorce causes to their psychological health, heal from the experience, and move on with their life.
If you are undergoing a divorce, you may need help. If you feel on edge, fearful, angered, or sad, it is part of a grieving process. Remember, you need to be in control of your emotional state so your children can learn ways to control their emotional states. It is from you that your children learn to deal with both wanted and unwanted emotions. Furthermore, it during these bad times that your children will turn to you most in order to make sense of what has occurred. This brings a sense of continuity to their lives, knowing that they can at least turn to one parent for sound, non-judgmental advice. This differs greatly from a perspective or projecting one’s negative emotions about your significant other onto your child, which will have numerous repercussions on the individual relationship you have with your child. Remember, children learn to handle emotional distress through the relationships they form with their parents, and not vice-versa. If you are projecting unwanted emotions regarding your ex onto your children, be mindful and stop. This is dangerous ground. Be aware that this can cause later consequences for your children’s psychological wellbeing, especially in learning maladaptive patterns in how to relate with others in a loving and effective manner.
While their is no easy answer when undergoing divorce, realize there are lessons to learn and ways to make sense of your life’s journey. If you are able to show resilience in overcoming the emotional torrents associated with the break-up and divorce process, your children will be all the better. In a positive sense, the emotional reactions a break up elicits can stand as a testament for you and your children to learn effective ways to overcome emotional distress, grieve the loss of the relationship you once found important, and learn ways reengage the life, dreams, and aspiration you see most fitting. The choice is yours. Determine the path, focus, and watch it unfold.
Dr. Tom
What do you dream of? Are they in service to you, or a hinderance to your life? Find out ways to let your dreams serve your life, rather than hinder the outcomes you seek.
via Dream On: Cultivating Happiness through Fulfilled Dreams — THE STOCKTON THERAPY NETWORK
“This feels like the end. Everything we had worked hard for is now gone. My life, as I know it, is over. Divorce is the pits. I don’t know how I can move on.”
Is life over as you know it? Yes, but not in the way you may think. Let’s explore how divorce can effect one’s emotional state so that we may determine effective ways to let go of the emotional grief common to the death of a valued relationship.
Divorce is death. It is the death of your marriage. You spent time, effort, and energy to make your marriage work. It may have been a successful version of the American Dream with the 2.5 children, white picket fences, a loving puppy, or whatever commonly held perception of what the all American Family is comprised of these days. You may have sought to be June and Ward Cleaver, but ended up with Al and Peg Bundy. Married, With Children, you now find yourself picking up the pieces, trying to make sense of your emotional state as it relates to finding your post-marriage groove. If this is the case, then read on.
In tending to our emotional garden, it is imperative that we assume a somewhat self-centered focus for some time. This may sound counterproductive, in that we are often taught to be focused on other’s needs rather than our own. Self-centeredness is selfishness, right? In some cases, yes, but when it comes to healing after divorce, it is imperative you get to know you for you, to engage, or even re-engage areas of your life that brought you joy, solace, or content feeling from within. It is imperative that you assume accountability for the development and the promotion of your inner happiness.
Let’s face it, if you got divorced, there has probably been a prolonged period of time where either one or both both of you were discouraged. This would in turn increase tension, cause fighting, and leave either one or both of you with ill at ease feelings. You may have even sought therapy to assist you with working through your inner discontent, under the guise of saving or severing your relationship. In post-divorce life, you do not have another person to mirror from, and in turn, you must face your feelings head-on, as you get to know you for you, so that you may in turn one day move on from the grieving process that may have brought you to this article.
So how is it that you can find your happiness in post-divorce life?
Well, first and foremost, becoming self-focused, it is imperative that to assume accountability for your own happiness. Maybe you got married to secure your happiness. Or maybe it was another milestone, a goal to be accomplished on a long list of life-milestones by which you judge your individual success. Or, maybe the fear of loneliness got to you, and you sought marriage to secure your future from having to face another day of being alone. Either way, taking accountability for your emotional state will free you from the eternal dialogue that can hinder your emotional growth post-divorce.
When it comes to you, remember, that you are the creator of your own emotional health and/or illness. By relying on others to create your sense of security and happiness, you ultimately abdicate personal responsibility to understand your emotional state to another, much less qualified candidate for the job. Remember, the person you have chosen to be with also has this same burden and must find those nuances that make them happy. While the happiness you sought during marriage, or within your relationship may have escaped you, leading you to a period of self-reflection common post-divorce, this is not the end chapter of your life. It actually can be construed as a new beginning, a time ripe for the personal growth self-knowledge and development of a healthy sense of Self-love you can bring to the table in all future relationships.
How to Get The Groove Back:
Divorce is complex. And while there is no one road to emotional success after divorce, this forum is interactive, and we encourage clients to post feedback, ask questions, and engage in the healing journey that the grief cycle affords us post divorce. If you have questions, please feel free to write them in the comment sections. Our team will be happy to help you find the answers.
In Getting Your Groove Back, we will explore as an open forum ways you can mitigate the emotional damage a divorce can cause within your life. While there are many roads to emotional health, our team will help you navigate them to find your sense of wellbeing post-divorce.
Dr. Tom