The motivations compelling couples to consider divorce are wide and varied. However, one common motivator, is when individuals feel trapped in a toxic relationship. The term “toxic relationship” was coined in 1995 by Dr. Lillian Glass, and in contrast to physical abuse, the hallmark of a toxic relationship is an emotionally unhealthy environment, where one or both of the parties are plagued by a persistent feeling of unhappiness.
In comparison, healthy partners listen to each other, communicating respectfully and often. These couples build and uplift one another, supporting each other’s goals, desires, and dreams. Habits which, in turn, cultivate and strengthens trust, leading them to a deep sense of understanding, satisfaction, and happiness that can’t be found anywhere else.
Of course, none of which is to imply happy couples don’t fight. Because let’s be honest: to be married is almost, by definition, to have a sparing buddy at the ready. It is completely normal for stable couples to experience periods of life marked with anxiety, stress, and anger. But this unrest is usually temporary. In contrast, a toxic marriage is a relationship where negativity is the norm. One in which individuals:
Don’t support each other;
Seek out conflict;
Undermine their partner;
Engage in unhealthy competition;
Disrespect their spouse;
Lack cohesive unity; or
Attempt to control one another.
In addition to these elements, things like physical abuse, and adultery, can, of course, contribute to an emotionally toxic environment. However, abusive relationships are generally seen as a situation where the perpetrator knows and is choosing to exact harm, whereas in a toxic relationship, on or both parties might not even be aware of what they’re doing.
This is what can make a toxic relationship so difficult to identify, especially since all toxic marriages present differently, and what’s toxic for you might not be so bad for your best friend or your mom. Below, are five signs that you’re in a toxic marriage – and if you recognize them, it may be time to talk to a Stockton divorce attorney. Not just for your own mental health, but also for the sake of any children you might have, who are looking up to you for an example of what kind of relationship they should aspire to.
5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Marriage
When trying to determine whether or not your relationship is toxic, here are five signs that can help you know whether it’s time to consider other options (such as divorce). They include:
Persistent unhappiness;
An inability to connect with your partner;
Consistent fault finding;
Fantasies about striking out on your own; and
Family or friends who are expressing concerns.
Persistent Unhappiness
If you’re always unhappy about your relationship, why are you still in it? Life should be better and happier with the person you’ve chosen to spend life with. If the joy you once felt in marriage has replaced by sadness, anger, anxiety, or resignation, it may be time to talk to an attorney about your options.
Inability to Connect with your Partner
Respectful communication is one of the biggest keys to any successful relationship—romantic or otherwise. And it’s okay for these conversations to occasionally fizzle out between partners, but when it becomes worrisome, is when it doesn’t improve, despite repeated efforts. Especially if you feel like your partner has “checked out,” of the relationship. When couples are unable to resolve differences, and talk though problems with each other, it’s often a signal that they’re on the road to divorce.
Constant Fault Finding
No one is perfect, and if you look close enough at anyone, you’ll find fault with them. But there’s a big difference between occasionally getting after your spouse for not taking out the trash, and when finding fault is a way of life in your relationship. If you and your spouse are overly critical of one another, and resort to personal attacks during every argument, it might be time to start thinking objectively about your future together.
Fantasies about Striking Out on you Own
It’s normal for an overworked parent to think about how much easier things would be without family ties binding them down, but if escaping into your fantasy life of solitude is the only way you can get through the day, it may be a sign there’s something really wrong in your relationship. If you’ve made serious plans to leave, you should talk to an attorney about your options before doing anything. It’s especially important not to move out of your marital home (or throw out your partner) without consulting a lawyer first, as these actions can trigger adverse consequences during a divorce trial.
Family or Friends Express Concerns
There’s an age-old metaphor, which says you can’t boil a frog by putting it in hot water. Instead, you start with a pot of tepid liquid, and slowly turn up the heat. We have no idea why anyone would want to boil a frog alive, but like our amphibious friends, individuals who are in a toxic marriage, are usually the last to figure it out. That’s because humans are amazingly adaptable. We become so accustomed to the harmful environment, we no longer notice what’s all around us, which is a bad place to be. If your friends and family begin expressing concerns, it’s a sign that you’ve normalized an unhealthy relationship.
Do You Need to Talk to a Divorce Lawyer?
Often, even when individuals recognize their partnership isn’t healthy, they are still reluctant to initiate divorce, either because of time and cost, or worries about child custody and property division. Some even fear physical retribution from their spouse, and if this sounds like you, it’s important to note that there are many different types of divorce, including mediation, which can be quite cost effective. In addition, individuals can file for restraining orders at no cost, which is just one of many ways in which the State of California protects abuse victims.
If you’re thinking about getting a divorce, it’s a good idea to consult with an attorney and learn about your options. The team at Maples Family Law are here to answer any questions you might have about spousal support, child custody, and the division of property. We may also be able to refer you to a therapist focusing on divorce issues and toxic relationships.
Call us at (209) 546-6246 or contact us online to schedule an appointment. Let us help figure out a solution to your toxic relationship.
You might be surprised to know that a lot of people who get divorced can’t really pinpoint a moment that they asked themselves, “Is my marriage over?” and gave themselves a definitive answer. In fact, sometimes people who file for divorce are still a bit unsure about whether they’re doing the right thing.
However, there are some signs that the answer to that question is yes. Here’s a quick look at what many experts suggest are marriage-enders.
Is My Marriage Over?
First things first: Only you can decide if your marriage is truly over. Naturally, if your ex has already filed for divorce, you’re in reaction mode – and because California is a no-fault divorce state, you either go along with the process or you don’t… but it’s going to happen regardless of your feelings.
These are five signs that many experts suggest signal the end of a marriage:
You’re already living in a single mindset.
One of you has been unfaithful.
You and your spouse don’t communicate.
You feel like your spouse causes you nothing but stress.
You’re not able to be yourself.
Let’s take a closer look at these.
#1. You’re already living in a single mindset.
If you think happy thoughts about being single and on your own, and your spouse is nowhere in the picture, your marriage could be over.
“Up to a point, imagining being single can be a healthy safety-valve, allowing us to think about how things could be different, while also enjoying the comfort and security of a loving relationship,” says Dr. Becky Spelman. “If you just seem to annoy one another, and no longer have any fun, your fantasies about single-hood may show that you are already mentally ‘checking out’ of the relationship and planning to leave.”
Once trust has been broken in your marriage, it’s very tough to get back – and sometimes it’s impossible. If you’re asking yourself “Is my marriage over” after a traumatic event, the answer could be yes.
Also, says Konstantin Lukin, Ph.D., “Physical, emotional, sexual abuse raises significant warning signs about the health of a relationship.”
In a survey that covered 886 separating couples, a striking 55 percent said that they “grew apart” and 53 percent said that a “lack of communication” was the cause of their splits. If you and your spouse are no longer able to communicate, your marriage may be over. You can still decide to work on your marriage, though – as you can with most of these points – but ultimately, it’s up to you whether it’s worth the work to repair it.
#4. You feel like your spouse causes you nothing but stress.
Does thinking about or seeing your spouse make you happy, or does it stress you out? If just thinking about your spouse makes your blood pressure rise, it could be time to seek outside help or file for divorce. When we say seek outside help, that could mean talking to a therapist or counselor, talking to a trusted friend, or talking to an adviser you trust, such as a religious leader.
#5. You’re not able to be yourself.
If you ask yourself, “Is my marriage over?” and you realize that you just can’t be yourself within the relationship, you may need to evaluate where your relationship is right now. Sometimes people report that they no longer recognize themselves, which is incredibly difficult to deal with. If you used to be a happy, outgoing person who was always ready to have fun, but now you’re irritated, depressed and socially withdrawn, it’s time to take a good look at your relationship and see how that’s affecting who you are.
Are You Thinking About Divorce?
Divorce isn’t always the answer, but sometimes it’s the only possible answer. If you’re considering divorce, your best bet is to explore all your options – and that includes talking to a divorce attorney who can explain the process and answer all your questions.
If you’re like most people, you’ve heard the term grounds for divorce—but what does that really mean, and do you really need to pinpoint a specific reason before you divorce your spouse in California? While it’s typically best to ask an attorney who practices family law in Stockton about the specifics of your own case, here’s what you need to know about grounds for divorce in California.
What Are Grounds for Divorce in California?
California is a no-fault divorce state. That means if you file for divorce, you don’t have to provide the court with a specific reason. You can get a divorce in Stockton and elsewhere in California when you and your spouse simply have “irreconcilable differences.”
You do not have to disclose your reasons for divorcing to the court other than to say that you have irreconcilable differences.
A Word on Irreconcilable Differences
The term irreconcilable differences simply means that neither party in a marriage committed an act that directly brought about the end of the marriage (like adultery, abandonment, or cruelty). When you use this term, it means that neither party is completely at-fault for the marriage’s breakdown.
Will the Grounds for Your Divorce Have an Impact on Your Alimony Award?
Most people don’t want to spill the personal details of a split in a courtroom, and that’s completely fine. It’s important to know that in most cases, the grounds for your divorce won’t have an effect on the amount or duration of an alimony award that you receive.
(Even cheating is unlikely to affect your alimony award. Remember, the purpose of spousal support is to ensure that one spouse doesn’t fall into poverty because of the divorce. The courts don’t use it as a punishment for a spouse’s bad behavior during the marriage.)
There is one exception, though: If your spouse has been convicted of violent or abusive behavior, the judge has the power to reduce or, in some cases, eliminate the alimony that the abuser would normally be entitled to receive.
What the Courts Look at When Determining Alimony Awards
The courts must look at several factors when determining how much alimony will change hands, including:
Each spouse’s earning capacity
How much each spouse contributed to the other’s career, education, and other financially tied achievements
Each spouse’s ability to pay alimony
The needs of each spouse based on the standard of living each enjoyed during the marriage
Tax consequences to each spouse
The balance of hardships each spouse must now endure
This isn’t a complete list. Instead, courts look at these factors and a number of others—including any other factors the judge believes are fair and reasonable—to make an alimony award determination.
Do You Need “Grounds for Divorce” in California?
You don’t need to have a specific reason to end your marriage in the state of California. Whether your spouse had a long-term affair, abandoned you, or simply chose to terminate your marriage is irrelevant to the court. The court’s primary concern is the children of your marriage, if you have them; if you don’t, the court is only interested in overseeing a fair, equitable split that allows both parties to move forward separately.
Do You Need to Talk to a Family Law Attorney in Stockton?
If you’re contemplating divorce, or if your spouse has already filed for a divorce and you need an experienced, knowledgeable attorney in your corner, call us at 209-910-9865 right away. You can speak with a Stockton divorce lawyer who understands what you’re going through—and who’s willing to be your voice in the court system.
