Child custody refers to a parent’s authority to care for their child, and, during divorce, a judge can assign these powers between spouses as joint custody, or to only one parent in sole custody.
The division of such rights can be quite complicated, and couples should not try to resolve these matters on their own. Instead, families should work with an attorney to make sure that both the child’s best interest are being met, and that they aren’t giving up any essential rights. However, that doesn’t mean it has to be a dogfight.
Most couples find that working together to find a child custody agreement makes the whole divorce a lot easier.
But what is custody, and how does it apply to you?
Here’s a little bit about how custody is handled in California, and why you and your spouse are likely to be awarded joint custody rights.
What is Joint Custody
When you become a parent (either biologically, or through adoption), you don an invisible mantle of rights and responsibilities which are inherent to the role. For children born inside the marriage, this parental authority is shared equally and used interchangeably between spouses. However, upon divorce, these powers will need to be distributed between partners, since some responsibilities simply can’t be shared if parents aren’t living under the same roof.
To this end, judges are free to divide parental rights in one of two ways:
Joint Custody—powers are shared between spouses, either unequally or equally; or,
Sole Custody—when authority is given to one parent, alone.
Hence, “joint custody” refers to any situation where the judge orders parents to share parental authority, instead of assigning powers to just one spouse.
Legal and Physical Custody
In California, these custodial powers are broken down into two groups: legal and physical custody.
Legal custody refers to a parent’s right to make decisions on behalf of their child. This includes being able to make major decisions on things like health and education. It also encompasses a parent’s right to sign documents, have access to records, and the right to be able to decide what religious and cultural norms the child is exposed to.
Physical custody, on the other hand, is about where a child spends their physical time. This refers to both where the child will live, as well as visitation (which may or may not be included, depending on how your judge divides physical custody in your parenting plan).
Both of these custodial power groups (legal and physical) can be shared, jointly, or held by one parent in sole custody.
Joint Legal Custody
If you and your partner are awarded joint legal custody, this means that you share the right to make choices about your child’s health, welfare, and education. In these situations, both of you must pass off on all major decisions that require parental authority (such as surgery), and you are each granted equal access to records and information.
As a general rule, courts are loath to take away a parent’s right to choose how their child is raised. And since legal authority doesn’t necessarily require parents to live under the same roof, parents end up sharing legal custody as joint partners in the majority of California divorce cases.
Why a Judge Wouldn’t Award Joint Legal Custody
It doesn’t happen often, but in rare cases, one parent is awarded sole legal custody. This usually only happens in extreme circumstances, though, such as when:
It’s in the child’s best interest for one parent to have exclusive rights and responsibilities;
The parents have proven they cannot make decisions together;
One parent is unfit; or,
One parent is incapable of making decisions.
As you can see, most of these situations revolve around harm, which means that—short of something more serious, such as neglect, domestic violence, or criminal activity—your pleas for sole legal custody probably won’t be awarded.
In short, being a bad spouse doesn’t mean someone is a bad parent, and the only time courts do not grant joint legal custody is if doing so would hurt the child, somehow.
Joint Physical Custody
When parents share joint physical custody, this means they both have the right to have the child physically present in their homes for significant periods of time. Unlike legal custody, however, physical custodial powers have to be divided (rather than shared), since a child cannot be in two places at once. The split doesn’t have to be 50-50, though.
While it is (technically) possible for joint custody to be split 50-50, because of outside influences like work, school, extracurricular activities, and childcare arrangements, dividing a child’s time exactly equally between parents is almost impossible.
Instead, it’s much more common for the court to assign one parent to be the “custodial parent” (or rather, the child’s “primary residence parent”), while the other (the “non-custodial parent”) receives ample visitation.
Examples of Joint Custody Division
Custody and visitation can be divided any number of ways. One of the most common plans is for parents to alternate weeks, starting on a certain day. Monday is a common choice for these families (since it’s practical for school and work reasons), and in this situation, your joint custody agreement could look like this:
Mom
Dad
Week 1: Monday – Sunday
✓
Week 2: Monday – Sunday
✓
Week 3: Monday – Sunday
✓
Week 4: Monday – Sunday
✓
Other families might prefer to break up this “alternating week” cycle, and include a midweek visit. That way, kids and parents don’t have to go a full week without seeing each other.
If that was the case in your situation, your custody schedule might look like this:
Mom
Dad
Week 1: Sunday – Tuesday
✓
Week 1: Wednesday
✓
Week 1: Thursday – Saturday
✓
Week 2: Sunday – Tuesday
✓
Week 2: Wednesday
✓
Week 2: Thursday – Saturday
✓
Week 3: Sunday – Tuesday
✓
Week 3: Wednesday
✓
Week 3: Thursday – Saturday
✓
Week 4: Sunday – Tuesday
✓
Week 4: Wednesday
✓
Week 4: Thursday – Saturday
✓
There are also visitation schedules that combine every other week with every other weekend, prolonging the visit for an extra weekend each cycle. This arrangement is common during the summer, for parties who live more than twenty-five miles away from each other.
Other plans might include:
Three days on, four days off;
Alternating three days on, four days off;
Two weekends a month;
Alternate weekends plus two weeks during summer;
Every other holiday; or even,
All time when the child isn’t in school.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. The number of combinations and options available to couples are extensive, and ultimately, the type of joint custody agreement you and your ex-spouse work out will be up to you. After all, only you know what’s best for your family.
Couples who are interested in having more flexibility in drafting this arrangement, however, should try to avoid divorce litigation. Instead, consider an alternative method of dispute resolution, such as mediation or collaborative divorce.
Your Stockton family law attorney can help you figure out what parenting time agreement will work best for your unique situation.
Do You Need to Talk to a Lawyer About Child Custody?
Call us at (209) 989-4425 for a divorce case review with an experienced Stockton divorce lawyer, one who can give you the advice you need to begin moving forward.
If you’re a mother who’s considering divorce, you’re facing some unique challenges. Check out these divorce tips for moms to find out what lies ahead – and prepare yourself for a successful outcome.
7 Divorce Tips for Moms
Check out these seven divorce tips for moms, and then read on to get answers to some of our most commonly asked questions.
#1. If you need spousal support, ask for it.
Many working and stay-at-home moms are entitled to spousal support (more on that later), so if you need it, don’t be afraid to ask for it.
#2. Try to work with your spouse to reach agreements about your children.
When you and your spouse can work together – even if your children can’t see that you’re doing it – you’re setting a good example. You’re also more likely to be reasonably satisfied with the outcome when you both have a hand in creating it.
#3. Learn about co-parenting, and encourage your ex to learn about it, too.
Co-parenting is good for your kids; it’s the act of working with your spouse to continue to parent your children. (But if you can’t co-parent because your ex is too uncooperative, don’t stress it. Things will work out just fine – trust us.)
#4. Get everything in writing.
When you communicate with your ex, try to keep it in writing – especially if you two don’t get along very well. When you have a series of emails, you have a paper trail you can fall back on if your ex says one thing and does another.
#5. Don’t talk about your divorce (or your ex) in front of your kids.
Your kids know you’re getting divorced, and it’s definitely fine to answer their questions in age-appropriate ways. However, don’t call your mom, your best friend or your therapist in front of them – they’re not emotionally equipped to handle it.
#6. Don’t try to mediate between your kids and their other parent when there’s a disagreement.
If your children and your ex have a disagreement or dispute, don’t try to be the middleman. It’s between them, and you should support your children without trying to mediate.
#7. Expect your kids to feel confused, guilty, sad or abandoned.
Kids deal with divorce differently based on several factors, including their ages. It’s normal for children to feel confused, guilty, sad or abandoned – and it’s up to you to reassure them that you love them. Another thing to consider: Many children benefit from talking to a divorce therapist.
Divorce Tips for Moms: FAQ
We get a lot of questions specifically from moms, so check out these FAQ – and if you don’t see an answer to your question here, call us at 209-395-1605 to schedule a consultation with a Stockton divorce lawyer.
If you’re a stay-at-home mom who wants a divorce, you need to know that it is entirely possible for you to leave your spouse and get a fresh start. You’ll have to:
Get financial records, such as bank statements, asset statements, tax returns and other documents
Think about how you’ll divide your assets (California is a community property state)
Talk to an attorney about spousal support and having the court compel your ex to pay your legal fees
Make a concrete plan before you take any major steps
How Do You Get Divorced When You Have No Money?
For many moms who have no money, divorce seems out of reach – but there are still a couple of options. First, you can file for divorce on your own, without an attorney. You may also be able to get the judge to agree that your spouse should pay your legal fees, which can happen when one spouse was the primary earner and the other doesn’t have the financial resources to pay an attorney.
What Are My Rights as a Mother Going Through Divorce?
In California, mothers and fathers have equal rights during a divorce. With that said, you have the right to:
California is a community property state, which means everything that you and your spouse acquire during your marriage belongs equally to both of you. Some property is separate, though – if you or your ex brought it into the marriage, it’s generally yours to keep. Still other property is a mix of separate and community. Here’s an example: Let’s say you bought a house a few years before you married. You continued paying on the house even after you got married. Because you continued to pay for it once you got married, it’s part separate, part community. Your lawyer can help you figure out how to divide the house (or its proceeds, should you sell it).
Many stay-at-home mothers are entitled to alimony in a divorce. Usually, a judge will look at several factors when determining whether to award spousal support – including whether the supported spouse (in this case, the stay-at-home mom) can support herself. Usually, courts award alimony for a set period of time – typically how long it should take for the supported spouse to become self-supporting.
Can I Be a Stay-at-Home Mom After Divorce?
Realistically, it would be difficult for a person to be a stay-at-home mom after divorce. When the courts award spousal maintenance, it’s with the intention of the supported spouse becoming self-sufficient within a reasonable period of time. That means you would need to take the time you’re receiving alimony and work toward earning a degree or learning new job skills so that you can support yourself. However, if you can get your ex-spouse to agree to pay you a significant amount of spousal support with an agreement that you’ll remain a stay-at-home mom, it may be possible.
Do You Need to Talk to a Lawyer to Get More Divorce Tips for Moms?
If you’re a mom considering divorce, or if your spouse has already filed, we may be able to help you. Call us at 209-395-1605 to schedule your consultation with an experienced Stockton family law attorney today.
If you’re like most parents, the only thing you want for your kids is their happiness – and when the holidays start to roll around, you worry a little bit (or a lot) more. The holiday season is right around the corner, and if you’re going through a divorce, or if you’ve just received your divorce decree and this is your first Halloween flying solo, here’s how you and your ex can help the kids have a great holiday.
Halloween During Divorce: How to Help Your Kids Have a Great Holiday
While you may not be great at co-parenting just yet, holidays like Halloween are definitely times to practice your skills. Even if you’re not actively co-parenting, it’s pretty likely that you and your ex have worked out an arrangement on who gets the kids on which holidays.
Whether or not Halloween is your turn, you can still be supportive of your kids – and of their relationship with their other parent.
Planning ahead is the key. That way, even though your kids’ situations have changed due to the split, they can still enjoy the festivities.
Use these tips to make sure this Halloween is a good one for your children:
Be prepared to cooperate with your ex.
Make a plan.
Figure out which parent has the responsibility of getting together costumes, even if it’s not the parent who’s taking the kids trick-or-treating.
Set ground rules for your kids that you will both enforce.
Start thinking about next year.
Let’s take a closer look at each of these.
#1. Be prepared to cooperate with your ex.
As always, your kids come first. During the holidays, while it’s tough to face the prospect of spending time without your children (and letting your ex have all the fun), it’s important that you do what’s fair to them.
Be ready to cooperate with your ex, whether you have Halloween outlined in your custody agreement or not. If they’re old enough, you can even ask your kids where they’d prefer to be or which parent they’d like to bring trick-or-treating.
#2. Make a plan.
Talk to your ex. Stay calm and rational, and let him or her know what you think the plan should be. If Halloween isn’t addressed in your custody agreement, you can discuss who will have the children that day – and find out whether your ex has any input. For example, if you have the kids on Halloween, maybe you’re willing to let your ex take them trick-or-treating (or vice-versa). If you’re not willing to, that’s okay, too; however, that could mean your ex will reserve future holidays that aren’t in your parenting time agreement for him- or herself, too.
#3. Figure out which parent has the responsibility of getting together costumes, even if it’s not the parent who’s taking the kids trick-or-treating.
If you have the kids most of the time, it might be more practical for you to put together costumes. You can offer – or ask your ex – to pay for the supplies, or you can take full responsibility. It’s between you and your ex, but remember that this is a great opportunity for you two to work together to co-parent your children.
#4. Set ground rules for your kids that you will both enforce.
When the kids are old enough to trick-or-treat on their own, make sure you discuss the rules with your ex. It doesn’t matter if you’ll have the children on Halloween or your ex will – what matters is that you both agree to the rules you’re going to put in place for your kids, and that you’ll both be willing to enforce them. (That includes enforcing penalties for violations, such as when your kids come back too late and get grounded.)
#5. Start thinking about next year.
If you have the kids on Halloween this year, offer to let your ex have them next year – or ask if you can have them next year if he or she has them this year. These small trade-offs can make a lot of headway when it comes to cooperative parenting, and really, that’s what’s best for your children.
Are You Considering Divorce?
If you’re thinking about divorce, or if your spouse has already filed, we may be able to help you.
Co-parenting can be really tough, especially when you and your spouse have had a contentious divorce. However, you’re better able to do it if you know the official co-parenting definition, you can see real-world examples, and you have tips that will make you more successful.
Fortunately, we’re here to give you all three.
Co-Parenting Definition, Explanations and Guide
Knowing what to expect from your co-parenting experience, as well as what real co-parenting looks like and how to put theories into practice, will help you be a better mom or dad to your kids.
Co-Parenting Definition
Technically, co-parenting explains a situation in which both parents share the duties of parenting a child. Kids need stability, consistency and effective communication between their parents, and co-parenting is a great way to achieve these things.
Essentially, co-parenting is a parenting relationship where the parents aren’t romantically involved, but still assume joint responsibility in bringing up their kids. Usually, it’s used to describe people who are separated or divorced (or who were never together in the first place) when those people work together to raise children.
Both parents choose to put aside their personal differences for the sake of the children.
Benefits of Co-Parenting
There are many benefits of co-parenting, including:
Stability. When both parents are on the same page and they’re consistent from house to house, the child is more likely to feel stable and safe. Kids who have more stability at home are typically more resilient.
Solid relationships with both parents. Kids need the framework that parents set up when they co-parent so they can maintain loving relationships with each adult.
Limited “parentification.” The term parentification refers to a child who feels the need to take care of his or her parents’ feelings. Basically, it means the child becomes the parent. When the actual parents can work together for the child, though, the child won’t be as likely to want to take care of his or her parents… because the parents are doing just fine on their own.
Conflict resolution. Children learn by example, and if you and your spouse can resolve your conflicts in healthy ways, that’s what your kids will pick up. Kids can learn that they can cooperate with other people, even if they don’t agree with each other, by watching you and your ex-spouse co-parent.
Co-Parenting Examples
Check out these examples of co-parenting in action.
#1. Judi and Pat split up just before the holidays, and they built a holiday schedule into their parenting plan. Judi will have the kids for Halloween, according to the parenting plan, but Pat’s employer is putting on a huge trunk-or-treat event that he’d really like to share with the kids. Judi and Pat reach an agreement that he can take the kids to trunk-or-treat, but he’ll have them home in time to trick-or-treat with Judi.
#2. Kathy and Bonnie have twin teenagers who want nothing more than to avoid them and spend time with their friends. Together, Kathy and Bonnie came up with a set of rules governing where the twins can and can’t go, how late they can stay out, and what the consequences are for violating the rules. The rules are the same at both Kathy’s and Bonnie’s houses, and so are the consequences, so the twins always know what to expect.
#3. Angie and David have only one child, and Angie tells David that if their son doesn’t keep up his grades, she’s going to take him out of baseball. David explains why he doesn’t think that’s a good idea, and Angie is open to David’s opinion. Together, they develop a plan to get their son’s grades up and commit to keeping him in baseball for the remainder of the season.
Co-Parenting Tips
Use these tips to make your co-parenting efforts more successful:
Pick your battles. Some things just aren’t worth fighting over.
Be open and flexible with your schedule. Put your kids first when their other parent wants to spend time with them.
Communicate directly with your ex. Don’t use the kids as messengers.
Keep your exchanges with your ex short and polite. Don’t get involved or give endless instructions.
Respect your kids’ time with their other parent.
Are You Considering Divorce?
If you’re thinking about divorce, or if your spouse has already filed, we may be able to help you.
Many people feel more comfortable working with their former spouses when they have co-parenting rules in place.
Co-parenting with your ex isn’t always easy to do, but if you’re like most parents, your children are your main concern. When you and your ex have decided to co-parent – meaning, you’ve agreed to work together to raise your children – you’ve made a great choice for your kids.
Sometimes it’s rough, but if you and your ex-spouse can follow these co-parenting rules, it’ll be easier on all of you.
13 Co-Parenting Rules to Live By
Setting boundaries for each other as co-parents takes away some of the stress many co-parents face. These co-parenting rules aren’t hard-and-fast, but they’re guidelines that you and your ex may want to follow:
Remember that it’s not about you.
Commit to good communication.
Make a plan.
Be flexible.
Be forgiving.
Don’t forget that your kids are watching (and learning).
Leave the kids out of it.
Watch what you say around (or to) the kids.
Don’t fight.
Be consistent.
Respect each other’s time with your kids.
Work hard to agree on big issues.
Don’t use the kids as messengers.
Let’s take a closer look at each of these.
Co-Parenting Rule #1: Remember that it’s not about you.
You’re co-parenting for your kids’ benefit, so remember, it’s all about them. If your ex is being argumentative, try to remind yourself that the primary focus is on your little ones – and discuss only things relating to them.
Co-Parenting Rule #2: Commit to good communication.
Keep each other in the loop. Choose a communication method that works best for everyone and stick to it… and push yourself to be a good communicator. Sometimes the best method of communication is through text or by email, because it allows you to think things through before you respond – and it provides a paper trail in case you ever need it.
Co-Parenting Rule #3: Make a plan.
Determine what’s most important in raising your children by discussing your goals with your ex. You two, together, can make a plan that covers most of the major issues divorced parents face. What will you do if your children act out? How will you deal with homework, chores, sports and school events? What about your kids’ privileges? If you address these things with your ex now, co-parenting will be easier in the future.
You and your ex most likely have a parenting time agreement in place, but you both need to be flexible when things come up. Appointments, special activities, illness – there are dozens of reasons you or your ex may need to shift your plans, but as long as you communicate (see Rule #2), nobody will come out worse for wear.
Co-Parenting Rule #5: Be forgiving.
Nobody’s perfect, and we all make mistakes. Don’t hold a grudge, because doing so will derail your ability to communicate with each other. Even worse, it’ll limit your ability to co-parent effectively because your emotions will get in the way of making the best possible decisions for your children.
Co-Parenting Rule #6: Don’t forget that your kids are watching (and learning).
The old saying “Little pitchers have big ears” is just as true today as it was a century ago. Kids hear and see everything – even if you think they’re not paying attention. They’re learning from you both, and the way you deal with each other makes a big impact on what they see as normal and right.
Never, ever make your kids feel like they’re in the middle of a tug-of-war. Kids want to love and respect both of you, but when you put them in the middle, they’re automatically going to gravitate toward one side (and if you’re the parent adding stress, it might not be your side they take).
Co-Parenting Rule #8: Watch what you say around (or to) the kids.
Little comments like, “We can’t buy that because Dad doesn’t pay his child support on time” or “I can’t believe she’s always late picking you up – what is she doing?” can be harmful to your kids and to your co-parenting relationship. Be careful what you say while they’re within earshot, too (see Rule #6).
Co-Parenting Rule #9: Don’t fight.
When you and your ex have a parenting plan you can turn to in the event of a dispute, you’ll disagree less. But still, your ex is your ex for a reason – and it’s easy to get sucked into an argument. It happens to everyone! Your job, though, is to keep it away from the kids. Don’t fight or argue in front of them. (Fair warning: This might be one of the hardest rules to follow.)
Try to keep the big stuff the same in both houses, like bedtime and basic chores. All the rules don’t have to match up, because sometimes that’s just not feasible. However, you do have to set rules in your home and stick to them. Kids thrive in environments with limits, as long as they know exactly what those limits are.
Co-Parenting Rule #11: Respect each other’s time with your kids.
You both deserve quality time with your kids, but more importantly, your kids deserve quality time with both of you. Don’t make plans that interfere with your ex’s time with the children without making sure it’s okay first, and certainly don’t call and text constantly while your kids are with their other parent.
Co-Parenting Rule #12: Work hard to agree on big issues.
You can’t address everything in your parenting plan because parenting isn’t cut-and-dry – and new issues will pop up as your children grow. Try to agree on big issues, like when your kids are allowed to date, what to do when they break curfew or how to handle new (and challenging) behaviors. If you can’t agree, find an expert – like a mediator, counselor or therapist – who can help you both.
Co-Parenting Rule #13: Don’t use the kids as messengers.
Your kids want to be free to love you both, but if you’re using them as messengers, they’re in the middle of adult problems. It’s fine to say “Tell your dad I said hello” or “Dad asked if you can send my dress shoes next time,” but anything bigger than that needs to be communicated directly to your ex.
The bottom line is that most people are fully capable of co-parenting after a divorce. It’s hard, but it’s possible – and with the right ground rules in place, you can pull it off.
Do You Need to Talk to an Attorney About Divorce or Child Custody?
We’ve helped many people through divorce, and we can help you, too. As family law attorneys serving Stockton and the surrounding communities, we have extensive experience dealing with parenting plans and other divorce issues.
Call us at (209) 546-6870 to let us know what you’re going through. We’ll begin developing a strategy that gets you and your children the best possible outcome—and we’ll give you all the support you need during this difficult time.
A lot of people who call us want to know about California divorce – family, home and children are among the most commonly asked questions.
Here’s what you need to know.
California Divorce: Family, Home and Children
Most people who get a divorce are primarily concerned about the effect it will have on their families. Fortunately, you and your spouse can make an agreement to co-parent your kids – and that can strengthen your parent-child bonds on both sides.
Breaking up the family unit is one of the things that makes a lot of parents think twice about divorce – even when they’re in a bad situation or an emotionally toxic relationship.
The good news is that with a good joint custody agreement, kids can have the benefits of a healthy relationship with both parents.
Joint Custody
There are two types of joint custody: legal and physical.
In joint legal custody, each parent gets equal rights and responsibilities when it comes to making decisions about their kids’ health, welfare and education.
In joint physical custody, both parents share living quarters with their children for a significant period of time. It doesn’t have to be an equal 50-50 split, though; it just has to be close. The parents can also share custody in a way that one parent has the children more than the other; the parent with whom the child lives most of the time is the custodial parent, and the one the child visits (on weekends and holidays, for example) is the non-custodial parent.
No matter what type of custody agreement you have, though, you and your spouse can make the choice to co-parent.
What is Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting is cooperation between you and your ex-spouse to parent your children. It requires you and your ex to communicate regularly, make decisions about your children together, and share your schedules so that you can both put your kids first. You can agree on things like:
Discipline and rule-making
How you’ll handle last-minute scheduling changes
How to deal with emergencies
How you’ll manage extra expenses not covered in child support
The key is remaining consistent through both homes. If the rule is that at mom’s house, there’s no TV after 8 p.m., the rule should stay the same at dad’s house.
California Divorce and Your Home
One of the other major issues people ask us about is the house. In fact, for some couples, the family home is almost as important as child custody is.
During divorce, you can negotiate a property settlement with your spouse. Because California is a community property state, you both have equal rights to the house if you bought it while you were married. In that case, you have three major options – and a little flexibility, which your Stockton divorce lawyer can explain to you. Your options include a buyout, a deferred sale, or an outright sale.
Buyout
You and your spouse may agree that one of you takes full ownership of the house. The one who takes ownership will also take over payments. That might include refinancing the home in only one spouse’s name.
Deferred Sale
Sometimes the court will order that you both keep the home because it’s in your children’s best interests. You and your ex will both stay on the mortgage, but the custodial parent gets exclusive use and possession of the home. You can sell it after a certain period of time.
Sale
You might also choose to sell the home outright and split the proceeds of the sale. A lot of people choose this option when neither spouse can make the payments on their own.
When you’re a parent going through a divorce, your primary concern is your kids – their well-being, adjustment and ability to cope are what’s most important to you.
One way to help your kids deal with divorce is to co-parent with your soon-to-be ex-spouse… but what, exactly, does that mean, and what does it require you each to do?
What is Co-Parenting?
Experts say that kids can bounce back from a parental break-up and become more resilient and able to deal with life’s hurdles as a result – and there are plenty of ways you can help your own children through divorce.
In co-parenting, you and your ex still work together to parent your kids. You’re no longer romantically involved, but that doesn’t stop both of you from being involved in raising your kids… or from doing it together. The key idea behind co-parenting is to create a stable and consistent childhood for your kids, and it does that by:
Limiting “parentification.” This lifts the child’s burden of feeling like he or she needs to take care of his or her parents’ feelings.
Maintaining solid relationships with both parents.
Limiting the child’s feeling of being on one parent’s “side.”
Teaching conflict resolution.
How to Make Co-Parenting Work
First things first: You and your ex need to put aside your differences, if only for your kids. You don’t have to agree to anything but raising happy, healthy children.
You may want to enlist a mediator’s help if you’re having a tough time co-parenting with your spouse. You can do it without a mediator, too, although some parents find that having an impartial third party helping them hammer out the details is incredibly helpful.
Co-parenting requires you and your ex to:
Communicate regularly (and politely)
Make decisions together
Share your schedules so you can time things best for the kids
You and your ex will have to decide:
How to handle discipline between your two homes. Consistency is the key here!
Who’s going to make which decisions.
How you’re going to communicate about your children, whether it’s in-person, on the phone, or by email (and if your ex isn’t always reliable, putting everything in email can be extremely helpful).
How you’ll handle last-minute scheduling changes.
What you’ll do when emergencies arise (for you, your ex, or your children).
How you’ll manage extra expenses that child support doesn’t cover.
When Co-Parenting Doesn’t (or is Unlikely to) Work
If your ex is emotionally or physically abusive, co-parenting may not be the best solution for your family right now. If you’re not both invested in co-parenting, it’s not going to work either – so you can save yourselves a lot of trouble by nailing down a parenting time agreement and sticking to it rather than attempting to work (and remain flexible) together.
Do You Need to Talk to a Stockton Divorce Attorney?
If you’re thinking about divorce, or if your spouse has already filed for a divorce, we can help you.
