For worried parents, one of the most stressful aspects of divorce is how it will affect your child—especially in terms of custody. With your child’s well-being on the line, you want to be certain that the lawyer handling your case will fight for their best interest as passionately as you would.
At Maples Family law, we understand these concerns, and want to do everything possible to help you feel comfortable with the child custody process.
Here are some of the most commonly asked questions about child custody lawyers in California, and how our team can help you.
What is Custody?
First off, child custody is a broad label that refers to the rights and responsibilities associated with parenthood. In California, these custodial powers are divided into two main groups:
Legal Custody—the right to make decisions on behalf of a child and to choose how they will be raised; and,
Physical Custody—the right and responsibility to have a child physically present, and to care for their needs.
When parents get a divorce, these powers and duties must be shared and/or divided between spouses. To this end, judges can order the couple either to share responsibilities in joint custody, or, give only one parent this authority in sole custody.
How these parental rights are divided in your case will depend on an analysis of a number of individualized factors.
Can I Sue for Custody?
The answer to this question depends largely on what your relationship is to the child, and where you’re at in the family law process.
Parents, for example, inherently have rights to access, possession, and control over their child. However, if a parent has to ask about suing for custody, this probably means they’ve had their rights revoked or limited at some point. If this is the case, that parent would need to petition the court to have their current order amended, before custody could be reinstated.
If you are a parent getting divorced, custody will automatically be decided as a part of your parenting plan, and incorporated into your final order. There is no need to file a separate suit.
In California, grandparents do not have the same inherent rights to custody as a child’s parents. However, there are some situations where grandparents can sue for visitation, custody, or even adoption. Usually these cases arise due to parental neglect or abuse.
Should I Hire a Lawyer for Child Custody?
Yes. Whether you are getting divorced, or suing for custody in another capacity, it is always better to have an attorney, then not.
Family law is complicated and nuanced, and child custody is no exception. Without an attorney, you have a much greater chance of making expensive and irreversible mistakes—some of which could end up costing you your relationship with your child.
In the end, hiring an attorney is well worth the added expense to make sure your interests are being properly represented.
What if I Can’t Afford an Attorney for Child Custody?
If finances are tight, check with your local legal aid office, andexplore what resources are available to you there. The State Bar Association strongly encourages California attorneys to devote a portion of their time to pro bono services each year, so you may be able to find a quality attorney, at no cost.
Also, consider whether or not you even need an attorney. While it’s always better to have one, you might be able to forego representation under certain circumstances, especially if your spouse is not using representation, either.
If this is the case, consider trying to solve your differences out of court. Mediation, for example, does not require parties to have a lawyer present in order to reach a settlement agreement.
What Do Judges Look at When Deciding Custody?
The governing standard for any case involving children is the best interest of the child. Under this presumption, all outcomes are evaluated based on what will satisfy the child’s long-term health and happiness the best.
That being said, California courts strongly assume that a child’s best interest is served when allowed to cultivate a loving relationship with both parents. Hence—baring extreme circumstances, such as abuse or neglect—judges are likely to grant parents joint custody in most cases.
Factors your judge might consider when making this decision include:
The emotional and mental stability of both parents;
Home life in each household;
A parent’s ability to care for the child;
Any criminal behavior;
Potential harm that could befall a child; and even,
The child’s preference (especially if the child is over twelve).
Ultimately, however, every decision will come down to what is in the child’s best interest.
Who is Most Likely to Win a Custody Battle?
In California, it’s common for courts to split legal custody fifty-fifty between spouses. In these situations, both parents would have an equal say in how their child was raised, as well as the right to make decisions on behalf of their child (such education, medical procedures, and religious exposure). Physical custody, however, is another matter.
Since it’s so difficult to split a child’s physical time exactly equal, judges will often appoint one parent to be the child’s primary residence, while the other gets ample visitation. Statically speaking, mothers are more likely to be appointed the custodial parent, however this is not always the case.
With same sex marriage now legal, as well as a greater overall emphasis on protecting paternal rights, the role of custodial parent is no longer assumed. In the modern California courtroom, there is no room for gender roles, and every custodial decision is made based on the child’s best interest, alone.
How Can a Father Win a Custody Battle?
A father becomes their child’s custodial parent the same way a mother does: by being in the child’s best interest.
This analysis does not include gender stereotypes. Instead, the court simply wants to know which parent is most likely to:
Provide the best home environment;
Devote time and attention to their child;
Offer continuity and stability;
Meet the child’s physical, mental, and emotional needs; and,
Cultivate a relationship between the child and the child’s other parent.
If you are a father who is interested in becoming your child’s primary custodian, you should discuss it with your attorney, who can help you develop the rights strategy, moving forward.
Can You Lose Custody Because of Mental Illness?
The short answer is: no. The reality is: maybe.
While the presence of a mental illness, itself, does not affect custody, sometimes the type and severity of the illness can. For example, if symptoms are so severe that they inhibit a parent’s ability to address basic needs, or to provide a safe home environment, these things would certainly impact a judge’s decision. However, on its own, the diagnosis is not a deterrent.
California Child Custody Lawyers
If you have more questions about child custody lawyers in California, and how the team at Maples Family Law can help you, call us at (209) 989-4425, or get in touch online, and together, we can ensure that your child’s best interests are being met.
Parents have a legal responsibility to provide for their children, and these duties do not cease to exist just because your marriage dissolves. For couples with children, one of the most critical aspects of a divorce proceeding, is establishing an order of custody and financial support for that child. By putting the specifics of these obligations in writing, California courts ensure that both parents are held fiscally responsible for the upbringing of their offspring.
But what, exactly, this child support looks like, in terms of dollars and cents, will be different for every divorce. Just as no two couples are the same, so are no two divorces. When determining the amount of child support, courts use a specific set of guidelines, which will produce an individualized plan that caters to each family’s unique needs.
Here’s a brief run-down of those considerations, and what you can expect your final California child support order to look like.
Child Support in California
Any time a child is under the care of one parent, that parent is responsible for meeting the costs of their child’s basic, daily needs. But—as is often the case in custody arrangements—the custodial time allotted to each parent is rarely equal. The far more common scenario, is when one parent bears the most physical responsibility for the child, while the other parent has only partial physical custody. Child support, then, is meant to compensate for situations where this custodial care is unequal. Usually, the difference is made up by the non-custodial parent, however, in some situations, a judge might order both parents to pay.
As a general rule, parents have very little say over how much, and who will be required to make these payments, but according to California law(and just about everywhere else in the country, for that matter), this support is mandatory.
Calculating Child Support in California
When constructing a child support order in California, judges will typically follow California’s child support guidelines. Under this process, a number of independent factors are evaluated, however, the three biggest elements that impact the end result, are:
The number of children that qualify for support;
How much time each parent has with their children (or rather, the amount of physical custodial time each parent has); and,
Each parent’s disposable income.
Element three is the trickiest factor to figure, since it requires the most number crunching. To make things easier, California courts have devised a simple equation:
Gross Annual Income – Mandatory Deductions ÷ Twelve = Net Disposable Income
Gross annual income comprises of earnings from all sources, including regular salary, bonuses, commissions, rental income, pensions, and royalties. It can also encompass benefits from a business ownership, and even monies obtained from self-employment benefits.
Mandatory deductions required by law, on the other hand, would comprise of any tax obligations, job expenses, health insurance premiums, and other hardships (such as child support owed to a previous relationship, or health expenses).
After dividing the end result by twelve, the court is left with a pretty good idea of what each individual’s net disposable income is each month. Armed with this information, a judge can then attribute a percentage of that number toward child support, based on the amount of physical custodial time each parent spends with their child.
Other Factors Influencing Child Support
While the formula for determining child support in California might sound fairly scientific, there are still some considerations which could influence the final figure. If the mathematical outcome of these calculations isn’t “fair or reasonable,” judges have the power to alter the amount—higher or lower—at their discretion. Some of the circumstances that might prompt them to do so would be if:
A parent’s extraordinarily high income exceeds a child’s needs;
The contribution doesn’t match the custodial deficit;
Both parents spend roughly equal time with the child, but one pays more in housing; and,
Any child care costs, health expenses, or special needs that aren’t accounted for under the usual formula.
To get an idea of what your child support payments might be, based on California’s guidelines, try using this child support calculator. However, understand that these figures are just estimates, and in the end, the final amount will be up to the judge.
Appropriate Uses of Child Support
A common misconception assumes that child support in California is meant to cover only the bare necessities, and this is far from the truth. While child support money is certainly meant to put clothes on the kid’s back and food in their belly, courts expect these monies to be used for more than just essential survival. (Because let’s be honest, when it comes to kids, the term “needs” is fluid, and basically amounts to a bottomless pit). That being said, other legitimate expenditures might include education, health insurance and medical bills, childcare, transportation, extra-curricular activities, and, yes, even entertainment. A parent might also spend child support on things like heating, electricity, and internet, since these bills all address a child’s needs and expectations.
Unless basic needs aren’t being met, the custodial parent isn’t required to make an accounting of how child support is being used—and this standard probably won’t change. Not only are the costs of raising a child enormous and sometimes difficult to track, but they’re also extremely ambiguous. Requiring a custodial parent to make an accounting would place an unacceptable amount of strain on an already-overloaded court system, to say nothing of the burden it would put on the parents, themselves. It would be impractical.
So, while you probably shouldn’t use child support money to leave your kid at home and go on a solo vacation without them, the custodial parent has a lot of freedom when it comes to choosing how they spend child support. And since kids are so thoroughly blended into every single breathing moment of a parent’s life, this actually makes a lot of sense.
Duration of Child Support Payments
Another erroneous assumption that people often make about child support in California, is that payments automatically end once the child turns eighteen. Though teenagers might disagree, eighteen is not, in fact, a magical number at which point a child no longer needs the help and financial support of their parents—especially since many are still in school when that birthday occurs.
Because of this, California law states that child support payments are mandatory until the child turns nineteen, or until high school graduation, whichever comes first. Therefore, you can’t just stop paying support just because your kid hits the big one-eight. Unless your child:
Marries or registers a domestic partnership;
Joins the military;
Is emancipated; or,
Dies,
If high school hasn’t ended, then neither has your obligation to support.
Child Support and Visitation
It can be frustrating to try and wrangle child support payments out of an uncooperative former spouse each month—no one is arguing that. However, we have to stress, that being late or missing payments on child support does not give a custodial parent the right to withhold visitation from their former partner. In fact, doing so is actually a crime, and could adversely affect their own rights under the custody agreement. Bottom line? Child support isn’t the price of an admission ticket to see your child. It’s money to help offset the significant costs of raising a kid, and a late or default payment cannot diminish a parent’s basic rights to access their child.
If you are having problems with your former partner paying child support, a Stockton divorce lawyer can help you file a complaint with the court. The California judicial system takes child support seriously, and there are proper channels available to address incomplete or late payments without damaging your own rights under the custody arrangement.
Child Support Attorneys in California
Unfortunately, as much as we hate it, children are the ones usually hurt the most in divorce. And while nothing can compensate for the emotional trauma they face, child support can—at the very least—help them maintain some semblance of normalcy and comfort in the upturned world they’re expected to make the best of.
If you or someone you love have more question about child support in California—or any other divorce related questions—we can help. Call us at (209) 989-4425, or get in touch online to schedule your consultation today, and let us make sure your child support needs are being met.
Divorce is complicated. Splitting a life into two parts is daunting enough all on its own, but—just like everything else in life—with children involved, things gets trickier. Between custody, and visitation schedules, there’s a lot to figure out when it comes to kids, and child support certainly isn’t cheap. If you’re a parent contemplating divorce, and you’re fairly sure that your kids won’t live with you most of the time, you’re not alone in wondering when child support ends in California.
Here’s what you need to know about California child support, including how to estimate the amount of your payments, and how long these obligations will last.
What is Child Support?
If your divorce goes a lot like most we see, your child custody arrangement won’t result in a 50/50 physical custody split. Instead, the division will be unequal, with the primary custodial parent spending a lot more on child-related expenses than the other. In these situations, child support is meant to help offset the incredible costs of raising a child, and is usually made by the non-custodial parent in a divorce.
What is Child Support For?
Child support is money intended to help pay for a child’s expenses. While this naturally means food and clothes, these funds aren’t just about essential survival. Child support payments can be used to pay rent, compensate for transportation costs, buy groceries—even if they feed other people in the house—and can even cover things like extracurricular activities and entertainment for the child. These funds are a contribution to the family’s community money that helps keep the child’s standard of living intact.
In general, courts do not micromanage how child support funds are spent, and short of obvious neglect or abuse, a parent isn’t going to be required to make an accounting of them. Not only would such a thing not be feasible (since children are so integrated into our lives and expenses), but it would also place a huge, unnecessary strain on an already-overloaded court system.
Child Support Obligations: More Than Just Money
Child support isn’t only a financial payment each month, it also includes things like healthcare coverage (such as medical, vision and dental). Parents who already have insurance will likely be ordered to continue this coverage, so long as the costs are reasonable. If health insurance payments are made out of pocket, these obligations can be used to offset the total owed in child support. In the event that neither you or your spouse has health insurance when you divorce, don’t be surprised if a judge orders you to start paying for it, as it’s pretty standard procedure for courts to require healthcare in child support and parenting orders.
In addition to healthcare insurance, your divorce order will likely include a separate provision addressing expenses accrued out of pocket (such as a deductible or any uninsured medical costs). Since both parents are responsible for financially providing for their children, if you end up shouldering these kinds of expenses while caring for your child, you should be entitled to a fifty percent reimbursement from your former spouse.
Do You Have to Agree on a Child Support Amount?
Under California law, parents don’t have a lot of say in the amount of child support. The state has specific guidelines on how much money a non-custodial parent has to pay for the care of his or her child, and unless you have special circumstances, the court isn’t going to deviate from these guidelines.
The only exception, is if the non-custodial parent wants to pay more than the court orders. If both parents agree to payments that are greater than what California’s guidelines require, the court will likely honor this arrangement.
If you are curious what your payments might look like, try using this child support calculator. Keep in mind, however, that this amount can be adjusted to fit what’s “fair and reasonable,” and the final amount will ultimately be up to your judge.
When Does Child Support End in California?
Many individuals assume that child support payments end when the child turns eighteen, and this isn’t the case. In California, a non-custodial parent is typically required to pay child support until the child turns nineteen, or until high school graduation, whichever comes first. The only circumstances a parent can stop paying child support early, is if the child:
Gets married;
Joins the military;
Becomes emancipated; or
Passes away.
Do Child Support Payments Have to End When a Child is Old Enough?
Parents can agree to pay child support for as long as they want. Usually, extending payments beyond the child’s age of majority happens when parents want to pay for college. If you or your spouse are willing to continue paying child support during the time your child is in college, this can be written into your divorce agreement. The key is that you must both agree.
California Child Support Attorneys
If you have questions about child support in California—including queries about calculating payments, and when this support will end—we can help. Call us right away at (209) 546-6870 or get in touch with a Stockton divorce attorney online, and let our team help make sure your child support needs are being met.
Child custody refers to a parent’s authority to care for their child, and, during divorce, a judge can assign these powers between spouses as joint custody, or to only one parent in sole custody.
The division of such rights can be quite complicated, and couples should not try to resolve these matters on their own. Instead, families should work with an attorney to make sure that both the child’s best interest are being met, and that they aren’t giving up any essential rights. However, that doesn’t mean it has to be a dogfight.
Most couples find that working together to find a child custody agreement makes the whole divorce a lot easier.
But what is custody, and how does it apply to you?
Here’s a little bit about how custody is handled in California, and why you and your spouse are likely to be awarded joint custody rights.
What is Joint Custody
When you become a parent (either biologically, or through adoption), you don an invisible mantle of rights and responsibilities which are inherent to the role. For children born inside the marriage, this parental authority is shared equally and used interchangeably between spouses. However, upon divorce, these powers will need to be distributed between partners, since some responsibilities simply can’t be shared if parents aren’t living under the same roof.
To this end, judges are free to divide parental rights in one of two ways:
Joint Custody—powers are shared between spouses, either unequally or equally; or,
Sole Custody—when authority is given to one parent, alone.
Hence, “joint custody” refers to any situation where the judge orders parents to share parental authority, instead of assigning powers to just one spouse.
Legal and Physical Custody
In California, these custodial powers are broken down into two groups: legal and physical custody.
Legal custody refers to a parent’s right to make decisions on behalf of their child. This includes being able to make major decisions on things like health and education. It also encompasses a parent’s right to sign documents, have access to records, and the right to be able to decide what religious and cultural norms the child is exposed to.
Physical custody, on the other hand, is about where a child spends their physical time. This refers to both where the child will live, as well as visitation (which may or may not be included, depending on how your judge divides physical custody in your parenting plan).
Both of these custodial power groups (legal and physical) can be shared, jointly, or held by one parent in sole custody.
Joint Legal Custody
If you and your partner are awarded joint legal custody, this means that you share the right to make choices about your child’s health, welfare, and education. In these situations, both of you must pass off on all major decisions that require parental authority (such as surgery), and you are each granted equal access to records and information.
As a general rule, courts are loath to take away a parent’s right to choose how their child is raised. And since legal authority doesn’t necessarily require parents to live under the same roof, parents end up sharing legal custody as joint partners in the majority of California divorce cases.
Why a Judge Wouldn’t Award Joint Legal Custody
It doesn’t happen often, but in rare cases, one parent is awarded sole legal custody. This usually only happens in extreme circumstances, though, such as when:
It’s in the child’s best interest for one parent to have exclusive rights and responsibilities;
The parents have proven they cannot make decisions together;
One parent is unfit; or,
One parent is incapable of making decisions.
As you can see, most of these situations revolve around harm, which means that—short of something more serious, such as neglect, domestic violence, or criminal activity—your pleas for sole legal custody probably won’t be awarded.
In short, being a bad spouse doesn’t mean someone is a bad parent, and the only time courts do not grant joint legal custody is if doing so would hurt the child, somehow.
Joint Physical Custody
When parents share joint physical custody, this means they both have the right to have the child physically present in their homes for significant periods of time. Unlike legal custody, however, physical custodial powers have to be divided (rather than shared), since a child cannot be in two places at once. The split doesn’t have to be 50-50, though.
While it is (technically) possible for joint custody to be split 50-50, because of outside influences like work, school, extracurricular activities, and childcare arrangements, dividing a child’s time exactly equally between parents is almost impossible.
Instead, it’s much more common for the court to assign one parent to be the “custodial parent” (or rather, the child’s “primary residence parent”), while the other (the “non-custodial parent”) receives ample visitation.
Examples of Joint Custody Division
Custody and visitation can be divided any number of ways. One of the most common plans is for parents to alternate weeks, starting on a certain day. Monday is a common choice for these families (since it’s practical for school and work reasons), and in this situation, your joint custody agreement could look like this:
Mom
Dad
Week 1: Monday – Sunday
✓
Week 2: Monday – Sunday
✓
Week 3: Monday – Sunday
✓
Week 4: Monday – Sunday
✓
Other families might prefer to break up this “alternating week” cycle, and include a midweek visit. That way, kids and parents don’t have to go a full week without seeing each other.
If that was the case in your situation, your custody schedule might look like this:
Mom
Dad
Week 1: Sunday – Tuesday
✓
Week 1: Wednesday
✓
Week 1: Thursday – Saturday
✓
Week 2: Sunday – Tuesday
✓
Week 2: Wednesday
✓
Week 2: Thursday – Saturday
✓
Week 3: Sunday – Tuesday
✓
Week 3: Wednesday
✓
Week 3: Thursday – Saturday
✓
Week 4: Sunday – Tuesday
✓
Week 4: Wednesday
✓
Week 4: Thursday – Saturday
✓
There are also visitation schedules that combine every other week with every other weekend, prolonging the visit for an extra weekend each cycle. This arrangement is common during the summer, for parties who live more than twenty-five miles away from each other.
Other plans might include:
Three days on, four days off;
Alternating three days on, four days off;
Two weekends a month;
Alternate weekends plus two weeks during summer;
Every other holiday; or even,
All time when the child isn’t in school.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. The number of combinations and options available to couples are extensive, and ultimately, the type of joint custody agreement you and your ex-spouse work out will be up to you. After all, only you know what’s best for your family.
Couples who are interested in having more flexibility in drafting this arrangement, however, should try to avoid divorce litigation. Instead, consider an alternative method of dispute resolution, such as mediation or collaborative divorce.
Your Stockton family law attorney can help you figure out what parenting time agreement will work best for your unique situation.
Do You Need to Talk to a Lawyer About Child Custody?
Call us at (209) 989-4425 for a divorce case review with an experienced Stockton divorce lawyer, one who can give you the advice you need to begin moving forward.
Are there negative effects of divorce on children? What about when they’re very young – like toddlers – or teens? Are there different effects across different age groups? Here’s what you need to know.
Negative Effects of Divorce on Children: What You Need to Know
While no two people will deal with divorce in exactly the same way, we can all agree that there can be some negative effects of divorce on children. However, the effects are nearly always temporary – and in many cases, the positive outcome of a divorce can far outweigh temporary negative effects.
The bottom line is that parental conflict before, during and after a divorce has negative effects on kids. Removing the source of that conflict can have tremendous benefits. It’s also important to remember that children learn how to engage in relationships from their parents, and if you and your spouse can’t stand to be in the same room together without fighting, that’s what your kids are going to absorb.
Research has found that the first year after a divorce is the most difficult. However, once your children get back into their daily routines – which can take a significant amount of time – you’ll see that they’re improving. The negative effects they may have experienced might start to fade away.
If you know your children are struggling (or even if they seem to be handling things just fine) it’s a good idea to schedule some time with a counselor or therapist who can help.
Common Negative Effects of Divorce on Kids
Children in different age groups may experience different effects. For example:
Young kids may struggle to understand why they have to go back and forth between two homes. These children might also wrongly deduce that if parents can stop loving each other, they can stop loving kids, too.
Grade-school kids sometimes worry that divorce is their fault. They often connect the dots back to themselves, thinking that they misbehaved so their parents divorced.
Teens can become angry or moody at the changes divorce brings. Sometimes they blame one parent for the divorce, or they might resent both of you for family upheaval.
One of the biggest negative effects a divorce has, though, is that it diminishes daily contact with one parent. Kids feel changes in a big way, so if they’re suddenly seeing one parent more than the other, they can have a tough time dealing with the loss of time. Other things that can stress kids out during divorce include changing schools, moving into a new house, living with a now-single parent who’s stressed, and financial changes.
Kids are typically able to cope with all these issues, but it does take time. And in many cases, external support – like talking to a therapist – is tremendously helpful for everyone involved.
Tips to Reduce the Negative Effects of Divorce on Children
Most experts agree that the best thing you can do for your children is to reassure them that you both love them (and that will never change) – and to let them know that you’re always there for them, whether they want to talk, cry or ask questions.
Use these eight tips to help minimize the negative effects your children experience:
Use consistent discipline in both households.
Don’t put your children in the middle of parental disputes or conflict.
Do You Need to Talk to an Attorney About Divorcing With Children?
There are some negative effects of divorce on children, but they’re usually temporary – and in many cases, they’re far outweighed by the positive effects divorce can bring.
If you need to talk to an attorney about divorcing with kids, we’re here to help. Call us at (209) 395-1605 to schedule your consultation today. We can answer your questions about all kinds of divorce issues, ranging from child custody and child support to spousal support and basic divorce information.
If you’re like most parents, the only thing you want for your kids is their happiness – and when the holidays start to roll around, you worry a little bit (or a lot) more. The holiday season is right around the corner, and if you’re going through a divorce, or if you’ve just received your divorce decree and this is your first Halloween flying solo, here’s how you and your ex can help the kids have a great holiday.
Halloween During Divorce: How to Help Your Kids Have a Great Holiday
While you may not be great at co-parenting just yet, holidays like Halloween are definitely times to practice your skills. Even if you’re not actively co-parenting, it’s pretty likely that you and your ex have worked out an arrangement on who gets the kids on which holidays.
Whether or not Halloween is your turn, you can still be supportive of your kids – and of their relationship with their other parent.
Planning ahead is the key. That way, even though your kids’ situations have changed due to the split, they can still enjoy the festivities.
Use these tips to make sure this Halloween is a good one for your children:
Be prepared to cooperate with your ex.
Make a plan.
Figure out which parent has the responsibility of getting together costumes, even if it’s not the parent who’s taking the kids trick-or-treating.
Set ground rules for your kids that you will both enforce.
Start thinking about next year.
Let’s take a closer look at each of these.
#1. Be prepared to cooperate with your ex.
As always, your kids come first. During the holidays, while it’s tough to face the prospect of spending time without your children (and letting your ex have all the fun), it’s important that you do what’s fair to them.
Be ready to cooperate with your ex, whether you have Halloween outlined in your custody agreement or not. If they’re old enough, you can even ask your kids where they’d prefer to be or which parent they’d like to bring trick-or-treating.
#2. Make a plan.
Talk to your ex. Stay calm and rational, and let him or her know what you think the plan should be. If Halloween isn’t addressed in your custody agreement, you can discuss who will have the children that day – and find out whether your ex has any input. For example, if you have the kids on Halloween, maybe you’re willing to let your ex take them trick-or-treating (or vice-versa). If you’re not willing to, that’s okay, too; however, that could mean your ex will reserve future holidays that aren’t in your parenting time agreement for him- or herself, too.
#3. Figure out which parent has the responsibility of getting together costumes, even if it’s not the parent who’s taking the kids trick-or-treating.
If you have the kids most of the time, it might be more practical for you to put together costumes. You can offer – or ask your ex – to pay for the supplies, or you can take full responsibility. It’s between you and your ex, but remember that this is a great opportunity for you two to work together to co-parent your children.
#4. Set ground rules for your kids that you will both enforce.
When the kids are old enough to trick-or-treat on their own, make sure you discuss the rules with your ex. It doesn’t matter if you’ll have the children on Halloween or your ex will – what matters is that you both agree to the rules you’re going to put in place for your kids, and that you’ll both be willing to enforce them. (That includes enforcing penalties for violations, such as when your kids come back too late and get grounded.)
#5. Start thinking about next year.
If you have the kids on Halloween this year, offer to let your ex have them next year – or ask if you can have them next year if he or she has them this year. These small trade-offs can make a lot of headway when it comes to cooperative parenting, and really, that’s what’s best for your children.
Are You Considering Divorce?
If you’re thinking about divorce, or if your spouse has already filed, we may be able to help you.
Co-parenting can be really tough, especially when you and your spouse have had a contentious divorce. However, you’re better able to do it if you know the official co-parenting definition, you can see real-world examples, and you have tips that will make you more successful.
Fortunately, we’re here to give you all three.
Co-Parenting Definition, Explanations and Guide
Knowing what to expect from your co-parenting experience, as well as what real co-parenting looks like and how to put theories into practice, will help you be a better mom or dad to your kids.
Co-Parenting Definition
Technically, co-parenting explains a situation in which both parents share the duties of parenting a child. Kids need stability, consistency and effective communication between their parents, and co-parenting is a great way to achieve these things.
Essentially, co-parenting is a parenting relationship where the parents aren’t romantically involved, but still assume joint responsibility in bringing up their kids. Usually, it’s used to describe people who are separated or divorced (or who were never together in the first place) when those people work together to raise children.
Both parents choose to put aside their personal differences for the sake of the children.
Benefits of Co-Parenting
There are many benefits of co-parenting, including:
Stability. When both parents are on the same page and they’re consistent from house to house, the child is more likely to feel stable and safe. Kids who have more stability at home are typically more resilient.
Solid relationships with both parents. Kids need the framework that parents set up when they co-parent so they can maintain loving relationships with each adult.
Limited “parentification.” The term parentification refers to a child who feels the need to take care of his or her parents’ feelings. Basically, it means the child becomes the parent. When the actual parents can work together for the child, though, the child won’t be as likely to want to take care of his or her parents… because the parents are doing just fine on their own.
Conflict resolution. Children learn by example, and if you and your spouse can resolve your conflicts in healthy ways, that’s what your kids will pick up. Kids can learn that they can cooperate with other people, even if they don’t agree with each other, by watching you and your ex-spouse co-parent.
Co-Parenting Examples
Check out these examples of co-parenting in action.
#1. Judi and Pat split up just before the holidays, and they built a holiday schedule into their parenting plan. Judi will have the kids for Halloween, according to the parenting plan, but Pat’s employer is putting on a huge trunk-or-treat event that he’d really like to share with the kids. Judi and Pat reach an agreement that he can take the kids to trunk-or-treat, but he’ll have them home in time to trick-or-treat with Judi.
#2. Kathy and Bonnie have twin teenagers who want nothing more than to avoid them and spend time with their friends. Together, Kathy and Bonnie came up with a set of rules governing where the twins can and can’t go, how late they can stay out, and what the consequences are for violating the rules. The rules are the same at both Kathy’s and Bonnie’s houses, and so are the consequences, so the twins always know what to expect.
#3. Angie and David have only one child, and Angie tells David that if their son doesn’t keep up his grades, she’s going to take him out of baseball. David explains why he doesn’t think that’s a good idea, and Angie is open to David’s opinion. Together, they develop a plan to get their son’s grades up and commit to keeping him in baseball for the remainder of the season.
Co-Parenting Tips
Use these tips to make your co-parenting efforts more successful:
Pick your battles. Some things just aren’t worth fighting over.
Be open and flexible with your schedule. Put your kids first when their other parent wants to spend time with them.
Communicate directly with your ex. Don’t use the kids as messengers.
Keep your exchanges with your ex short and polite. Don’t get involved or give endless instructions.
Respect your kids’ time with their other parent.
Are You Considering Divorce?
If you’re thinking about divorce, or if your spouse has already filed, we may be able to help you.
What Does Involving Your Kids in Your Divorce Mean?
Involving your kids in your divorce can take many forms – all of which you need to minimize. It could mean:
Using your child as a “shoulder to cry on”
Asking your kids for advice
Using your children as messengers between you and their other parent
Telling your child too many details about what caused your split
There are other ways you could get kids too involved, too, and if you’re not sure about them, it may be a good idea for you and your children to talk to a counselor or therapist together.
3 Reasons You Should NEVER Involve Your Kids in Your Divorce
You’ve probably heard it many times – kids should stay out of the nitty-gritty details of divorce. However, that can have a different meaning for every family.
For example, you know you should never use your kids as messengers during your divorce, carrying instructions between one parent and the other (although saying, “Mom said to give you my homework” and things like that should be fine) – but what do you do about questions the kids have about the process, the reasoning behind it, and what will happen next?
Experts suggest that you should always answer kids’ questions in age-appropriate, honest ways. Don’t lie, but don’t share grisly details, either. You’ll most likely tell older kids more than you would tell younger kids, especially when they have questions about the reasoning behind the divorce. If you’re not sure what you should tell your kids, you can talk to a counselor or therapist for guidance.
But there are three big reasons you should leave your kids out of your divorce. Other than letting them know what’s changing and that you love them, kids should be sheltered as much as possible from the whole process.
These are the three reasons:
You could accidentally engage in parental alienation
Your kids could resent you sharing too much
You could be inadvertently asking them to exhibit maturity they just don’t have
Parental Alienation
Parental alienation is the act of engaging in a behavior that causes your kids to push away the other parent – and during divorce, kids need both of you. When you share too much information about the divorce with your kids, especially if it’s your ex’s fault that you’re divorcing (like infidelity or something similar), you’re accidentally forcing the kids to choose who’s the better parent.
Resentfulness
Kids don’t want to know – nor are they mentally capable of handling – the ins and outs of divorce. If you share too many details, they could end up resenting you for doing so. That’s not only true for right now, either; when your children are grown, they may look back and feel that you were forcing them to help you through the divorce when they really needed you to help them.
Forcing Kids to Be Too Mature
When you talk to your kids about your own emotions – and remember, they need you to be strong for them during divorce – you’re putting them in a bad spot. They’re not emotionally equipped to help you cope with your split; in fact, they’re still figuring out their own emotions and responses, and they’re dealing with some pretty big changes themselves. Sharing too many details or asking them to be your personal counselors during your divorce is a tremendous mistake, because it’s a type of role-reversal that they’re just not capable of – and it can cause several problems in your relationship, now and in the future.
Do You Need to Talk to a Divorce Lawyer in Stockton?
If you’re like many parents considering a marital split, you’re wondering about the long-term effects of divorce on children.
The good news: The vast majority of children are perfectly fine. Some experience a few bumps in the road – but with the right parental attention and, in some cases, counseling or therapy, they’re fine, too.
So what are the long-term effects of divorce on children, and how can you help them through this new phase of their lives? Here’s what you need to know.
Researches have extensively studied the short- and long-term effects that divorce has on kids. The bottom line is that parents who actively try to minimize stresses on their children see more favorable outcomes than those who don’t.
In many cases, divorce is the best choice – not just for the parents, but for the children, as well. That’s because it’s far healthier to raise your children separately (or even on your own) than it is for them to watch a toxic relationship in action. When parents are unhappy, it’s contagious… even when parents think they’re doing a good job of covering it up.
The fact is, too, that more than 40 percent of all marriages end in divorce. When children are younger – still in their formative years – divorce’s effects can be more long-lasting. Research shows that kids of parents who successfully reestablish themselves, either on their own or within a new marriage, can improve children’s quality of life.
But the bottom line is that conflict between parents is what causes the issues kids experience in the first place. For some parents, that conflict sticks around after divorce (sometimes even years later) – and that’s what’s detrimental to kids.
What You Can Do to Minimize the Effects of Divorce on Your Kids
Simply being there for your children and minimizing the amount of conflict they see between you and your spouse can have tremendous positive effects on them. Seeking help immediately when you see signs of trouble is absolutely essential (you can ask your Stockton divorce lawyer for advice on choosing a therapist, too).
You can help your kids in other ways, too, and minimize the long-term effects of your marital break-up by:
Keeping your children on a steady, reliable routine – even if they’re older.
Confining negativity to your own therapy sessions or chats with your friends when your children can’t hear.
Staying involved in your kids’ lives, and insisting that your ex do the same.
Five Things Your Child Wants You to Know During Divorce
Your kids might struggle to put these things into words, but this is what they want you to know:
Don’t say mean things about my other parent. I love you both, and you’re both important to me – and when one of you criticizes the other, I feel defensive and can get angry at the parent who’s saying mean things.
Don’t use me as a messenger. My job is to be a kid, not a courier, and if you have to communicate with my other parent, it’s up to you to call, text or email him or her.
Find a counselor you can talk to if you don’t have other adults in your circle – don’t tell me your stresses or your problems, because I need you to parent me… I can’t be your parent.
Remember that I have to move every few days to see you or my other parent, and that’s not easy. My whole world is different, and it’s going to take me some time to adjust. If you want me to feel like I live in both places, please help me make them both my own – I need toothbrushes, clothes, toys and my favorite foods so I don’t feel like I’m just visiting.
Don’t try to win me over with bribes. Even if I’m young, I can see through them – and even worse, they can damage my relationship with you and my other parent.
Do You Need to Learn More About the Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children, or About Getting a Divorce in California?
If you need to know more about divorce in California, we may be able to help you. Call us at (209) 546-6870 to schedule a consultation with divorce attorney Anna Maples. We’ll answer your questions about child custody, child support and other matters, as well as refer you to local professionals if you need help that we can’t provide, such as divorce counseling or asset management.
If you’re like most people contemplating a split from your spouse, you think a regular divorce is the way to go – but instead, a summary dissolution might be right for you.
What is Summary Dissolution?
Summary dissolution is one way to end your marriage or domestic partnership. It’s not for everyone, but for some people, it’s a quicker, less complex way to bring an end to the legal contract you signed with your “other half.”
It’s kind-of a fast-track, and it’s available to all married couples and domestic partners, regardless of gender. You can also use it if you were domestic partners at one time and later married.
Who Qualifies for Summary Dissolution?
Only some people qualify for summary dissolution. You must meet all these requirements to qualify:
At least one of you must have lived in California for the past 6 months
At least one of you must also have lived in the county where you file for dissolution for the past 3 months
You both agree to terminate your marriage or partnership because you have irreconcilable differences
You do not have minor children together, and neither one of you is pregnant with a shared child
Your marriage or domestic partnership lasted 5 or fewer years from the date you were married or registered as domestic partners to the date that you separated
You don’t own any land or other “real property” (like a house or commercial building)
Neither of you has built up more than $6,000 in debt since you began your marriage or partnership (car loans don’t count)
You must have less than a certain amount in community property (the amount is subject to change, so ask your attorney about the current limit)
You both complete and sign a property settlement agreement to divide the community property that you do own together
You both agree to give up any rights you may have to spousal support
You have both read and understand California’s Summary Dissolution Information booklet (here)
There is an exception to the residency requirement: If you are a same-sex married couple who no longer lives in California, but you were married in California, you can still file in our state if the state you live in now won’t dissolve your marriage. You’ll have to file in the county where you were married to take this route.
What is the Difference Between Summary Dissolution and Divorce?
Summary dissolution is a divorce. It’s simply one that’s a bit less complex than the traditional route.
How Long Does it Take to Get a Summary Dissolution in California?
There’s a 6-month waiting period for a summary dissolution. What that means is that your attorney will file your petition for you – and once the 6-month period is over, the court will enter a judgement that orders the dissolution of your marriage or domestic partnership. Once that’s done, you can remarry or start a new domestic partnership – your previous marriage or partnership is officially over.
Is There a Downside to Summary Dissolution in California?
While there isn’t a downside – you still get to dissolve your marriage or domestic partnership using a summary dissolution – the catch is that it’s only available to certain people. You can’t have minor children together (neither biological nor adopted) and you can’t have much community property together.
If you don’t meet the criteria, you’ll have to file for divorce rather than summary dissolution. Divorce brings about the same results.
Do You Need to Talk to a Stockton Divorce Lawyer About Summary Dissolution?
If you think that summary dissolution might be the right option for you to end your marriage or domestic partnership, we can help you. Keep in mind, though, that it’s not for everyone – you may need to end up filing for a standard divorce.
Call us at 209-546-6870 to schedule a consultation with a caring, compassionate and knowledgeable divorce attorney in Stockton right now. We’ll answer your questions about child custody and child support, property division and more.
