The motivations compelling couples to consider divorce are wide and varied. However, one common motivator, is when individuals feel trapped in a toxic relationship. The term “toxic relationship” was coined in 1995 by Dr. Lillian Glass, and in contrast to physical abuse, the hallmark of a toxic relationship is an emotionally unhealthy environment, where one or both of the parties are plagued by a persistent feeling of unhappiness.
In comparison, healthy partners listen to each other, communicating respectfully and often. These couples build and uplift one another, supporting each other’s goals, desires, and dreams. Habits which, in turn, cultivate and strengthens trust, leading them to a deep sense of understanding, satisfaction, and happiness that can’t be found anywhere else.
Of course, none of which is to imply happy couples don’t fight. Because let’s be honest: to be married is almost, by definition, to have a sparing buddy at the ready. It is completely normal for stable couples to experience periods of life marked with anxiety, stress, and anger. But this unrest is usually temporary. In contrast, a toxic marriage is a relationship where negativity is the norm. One in which individuals:
Don’t support each other;
Seek out conflict;
Undermine their partner;
Engage in unhealthy competition;
Disrespect their spouse;
Lack cohesive unity; or
Attempt to control one another.
In addition to these elements, things like physical abuse, and adultery, can, of course, contribute to an emotionally toxic environment. However, abusive relationships are generally seen as a situation where the perpetrator knows and is choosing to exact harm, whereas in a toxic relationship, on or both parties might not even be aware of what they’re doing.
This is what can make a toxic relationship so difficult to identify, especially since all toxic marriages present differently, and what’s toxic for you might not be so bad for your best friend or your mom. Below, are five signs that you’re in a toxic marriage – and if you recognize them, it may be time to talk to a Stockton divorce attorney. Not just for your own mental health, but also for the sake of any children you might have, who are looking up to you for an example of what kind of relationship they should aspire to.
5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Marriage
When trying to determine whether or not your relationship is toxic, here are five signs that can help you know whether it’s time to consider other options (such as divorce). They include:
Persistent unhappiness;
An inability to connect with your partner;
Consistent fault finding;
Fantasies about striking out on your own; and
Family or friends who are expressing concerns.
Persistent Unhappiness
If you’re always unhappy about your relationship, why are you still in it? Life should be better and happier with the person you’ve chosen to spend life with. If the joy you once felt in marriage has replaced by sadness, anger, anxiety, or resignation, it may be time to talk to an attorney about your options.
Inability to Connect with your Partner
Respectful communication is one of the biggest keys to any successful relationship—romantic or otherwise. And it’s okay for these conversations to occasionally fizzle out between partners, but when it becomes worrisome, is when it doesn’t improve, despite repeated efforts. Especially if you feel like your partner has “checked out,” of the relationship. When couples are unable to resolve differences, and talk though problems with each other, it’s often a signal that they’re on the road to divorce.
Constant Fault Finding
No one is perfect, and if you look close enough at anyone, you’ll find fault with them. But there’s a big difference between occasionally getting after your spouse for not taking out the trash, and when finding fault is a way of life in your relationship. If you and your spouse are overly critical of one another, and resort to personal attacks during every argument, it might be time to start thinking objectively about your future together.
Fantasies about Striking Out on you Own
It’s normal for an overworked parent to think about how much easier things would be without family ties binding them down, but if escaping into your fantasy life of solitude is the only way you can get through the day, it may be a sign there’s something really wrong in your relationship. If you’ve made serious plans to leave, you should talk to an attorney about your options before doing anything. It’s especially important not to move out of your marital home (or throw out your partner) without consulting a lawyer first, as these actions can trigger adverse consequences during a divorce trial.
Family or Friends Express Concerns
There’s an age-old metaphor, which says you can’t boil a frog by putting it in hot water. Instead, you start with a pot of tepid liquid, and slowly turn up the heat. We have no idea why anyone would want to boil a frog alive, but like our amphibious friends, individuals who are in a toxic marriage, are usually the last to figure it out. That’s because humans are amazingly adaptable. We become so accustomed to the harmful environment, we no longer notice what’s all around us, which is a bad place to be. If your friends and family begin expressing concerns, it’s a sign that you’ve normalized an unhealthy relationship.
Do You Need to Talk to a Divorce Lawyer?
Often, even when individuals recognize their partnership isn’t healthy, they are still reluctant to initiate divorce, either because of time and cost, or worries about child custody and property division. Some even fear physical retribution from their spouse, and if this sounds like you, it’s important to note that there are many different types of divorce, including mediation, which can be quite cost effective. In addition, individuals can file for restraining orders at no cost, which is just one of many ways in which the State of California protects abuse victims.
If you’re thinking about getting a divorce, it’s a good idea to consult with an attorney and learn about your options. The team at Maples Family Law are here to answer any questions you might have about spousal support, child custody, and the division of property. We may also be able to refer you to a therapist focusing on divorce issues and toxic relationships.
Call us at (209) 546-6246 or contact us online to schedule an appointment. Let us help figure out a solution to your toxic relationship.
High-asset divorces can be incredibly contentious – and unfortunately, when there’s a lot of back-and-forth, people make mistakes. But making a mistake in a high-asset divorce can cost you for the rest of your life, so it’s important that you’re aware of the potential pitfalls and that you know how to steer clear to protect your assets.
Check out these five high-asset divorce mistakes so you know how to protect yourself – and your future.
5 High-Asset Divorce Mistakes: What NOT to Do
The most common high-asset divorce mistakes we see in our offices include things like:
Letting emotions rule over logic
Making rush decisions just to get the divorce over with
Hiding assets from one spouse
Failing to consider tax consequences
Going straight to litigation rather than negotiation
Here’s what you need to know about each of these high-asset divorce mistakes.
High-Asset Divorce Mistake #1: Letting Emotions Rule Over Logic
Divorce is an emotional process, whether it’s due to infidelity or anything else – and that can make it tough to make logical decisions. However, now is the most important time to focus on what’s most important: your future.
It’s not uncommon for one party in a divorce to feel guilty about what’s happening, but it’s a big mistake to let that guilt guide the decision-making process. For example, if you feel bad and agree to give your spouse double the spousal support he or she would ordinarily receive, or you decide to hand over more than half your marital assets, you’re cutting into your own future.
On the other side of the coin, you can’t use the court system to exact revenge on your spouse. Divorce is a legal process, and if you try to use the legal system to get back at your ex for what he or she has done, it’s more than likely going to backfire on you.
High-Asset Divorce Mistake #2: Making Rush Decisions
In many cases, both parties just want the divorce to end – and they’re willing to make less-than-informed decisions in an effort to wrap things up quickly. There are several reasons people want to rush through divorce, such as hoping the divorce will attract less media attention or simply wanting to be done with a spouse they can’t stand any longer.
Unfortunately, though, you can’t rush through a divorce and cover all your bases. You need to take the time to avoid making serious mistakes that will cost you long after your divorce is final.
In some cases, one spouse hides assets from the court so he or she doesn’t have to split them. California is a community property state, which means the assets you accumulate during your marriage – in most cases, anyway – belong to both spouses.
Hiding assets can get you into serious hot water with the courts – and in addition to the court finding out about those assets and dividing them anyway, you’ll lose your credibility. The majority of hidden assets are eventually discovered during the divorce process.
High-Asset Divorce Mistake #4: Failing to Consider Tax Consequences
Divorce changes your financial situation – sometimes drastically. Most of the financial transactions that take place during divorce have tax consequences, including the division of retirement accounts and the sale of homes, vehicles and other property.
Your attorney may suggest that you hire a tax professional or another financial expert to help you understand the tax consequences of the financial decisions you make now.
High-Asset Divorce Mistake #5: Going Straight to Litigation
For most people – even in high-asset divorces – negotiation is the way to go. You may not mind spending money on attorney’s fees through litigation, particularly if it means you’re going to “win,” but the vast majority of people who negotiate their own settlements end up being far more satisfied with the outcome than those who litigated in court.
When you and your spouse reach agreements on the major issues surrounding your divorce, including child custody and property division, your divorce will go faster and be less stressful for everyone involved. If you and your spouse can’t reach agreements on your own, your attorney might suggest that you work with a mediator who can help.
Call us at 209-546-6870 for a divorce case evaluation. You’ll talk to an experienced Stockton divorce lawyer who can give you the advice you need to begin moving forward.
Good, bad, right, wrong, holy, evil, black, white, night, and day; we are subjected to numerous paradoxes (the capacity we have to make inference and judge lived experience) on a daily basis. However, in recent times, the waters have become muddied, especially in terms of judging what is what, let alone what is right in today’s highly contested view of normalcy.
The issue of judgment has recently become a politically polarized construct where what made sense yesterday no longer makes sense in today’s emerging new world. Our children are taught that judgment, especially if it does not go along with the status quo is somehow bad. They are made to believe that other’s opinions are the only one’s that matter and they are forced into a proverbial box created out of a fear based response of not wanting to be somehow different from the masses. Those that think outside of this box somehow become a target to the group, are referred to in the most negative of light, and called names too negative to use in an article that focuses on the positive aspects of practical parenting. However, this appears to be world and the values our children we are passing on to our children. Good or bad. It’s your choice.
How can a child make sense of the world they will one day inherit, when there is little consensus about values, let alone the civility to work through problems in an non-polarizing manner where one side will try to supersede the others beliefs as being somehow false and without merit? What are we as parent’s to do in teaching our children effective ways to use judgment to better their lives despite the clear programming they receive from the barrage of media and social media exposures they are subjected to en masse before they can ever be legally culpable of making an informed decision?
First, it is imperative for us as parents to take responsibility for our own values and moral compass. In making this argument, I do not side with one versus another side of a value. In fact, I say pick one but fully study and understand the other, it will make your child much stronger of a person than if you shift from side to side because of uninformed judgments we are fed on a daily basis. This is not a lazy man’s or woman’s game, but instead requires work to research your own opinions outside of what Facebook or the television feeds you as a your daily dose of programming. It is from a firm understanding of our self as a person, our likes, dislikes, and our views about what is right versus wrong that our children build the foundation for their own moral reasoning. In many ways, a child is a blank slate. This is especially as it relates to the value based lessons we expose them too. It is through our capacity to learn effective ways of judgment as parents that our children can then learn to implement the same capacity in their own life, thus assuring they have a strong sense of character from which to become successful in the future. Therefore, it is imperative to understand the things you value most and offer that guidance to your children. Not from the perspective that they have to somehow become clones of yourself and live the dreams you have for them, but from the perspective that they have a firm foundation from which to form their own value based decisions and capacity to judge in a manner that keeps them safe and informed of things that can have adverse effect on their lives.
Secondarily, Children learn through emulation of behaviors. By having a firm foundation of your values and moral compass as a parent in place, you can then show through action instead of words what you value most. Children are exposed to a barrage of mixed messages on a daily basis. One example of this is the clear division that exists to between the federal campaign that permeates schools to Just Say No To Drugs vs. the growing (adult) movement to legalize marijuana seen in Colorado and California.
How can a child make sense of whether or not drugs are good or bad when you have two competing sides sending different messages, and both of them governmental agencies? Can anyone say Oxymoron, or better yet Hypocrisy. What is important here, is not to assume one side is somehow more right than the other. Politically, this is where we get into trouble, assuming that one opinion is somehow of a higher moral compass than the other. Remember, the acronym for the word assume is that it makes an “ASS out of U and ME.” However, what is important in this case is that you take a stand and teach your children what you believe is right and what is wrong based upon your value system. If you disagree with drugs, you probably don’t use them, and this is an important construct to teach your children as part of the value lineage you will pass on to them. If you value the use of drugs in your life, your children will probably also, and I guarantee you, they will either likely follow in your footsteps or develop a keen dislike of the behaviors exhibited during their childhood and develop an adverse reaction to drug use. Either way, if you can present your ability to work through both sides of the argument, you are teaching your children an effective skill that will stay with them for the rest of their life, as they will learn to use effective judgment to help them overcome life’s obstacles and form their own informed decissions based upon thought and not one based upon masse psychology.
Third, we cannot confuse the capacity for judgment as being somehow negative or without merit. The capacity to judge is a psychological phenomenon that has merit in its capacity to keep us alive, keep us safe, and help us make both informed and uninformed decisions. The only place where judgment becomes problematic, is when the person who is judging is unconscious of this behavior, and through being unconscious uses it as a means globalize one conclusion to fit all scenarios. This is pre-judicial in essence and leads only to an affirmation of one’s preconceived notions. Globalizing is the shadow of our natural capacity to judge. It indicates an immature psychology that is based primarily upon programming to view all phenomena from a limited source of information. Globalization can only be overcome through making a conscious effort to test all scenarios from a conscious perspective of judgment, which thereby allows us as an individual to challenge the information we are fed as a method of self-growth. Children are not the only ones that grow from this perspective. This also allows us as adults to learn and challenge our own viewpoints and preconcieved notions with new information, and model to our children effective ways to grow as parents and as citizens of a community.
Lastly, it is important that we call a spade a spade. In many ways, we are now programmed to view other’s opinions as right if it is part of the masse psychology we are fed. The voice of the many has now become more important than listening to our own inner voice. This is a mistake of immense proportions. We have hunches, gut reactions, and the hair stands on the back of our neck for a reason. Judgment is made to keep us safe. In making this argument, I am not assuming one versus the other side. As a social scientist, I know that darkness does not exist as a separate construct from light, but merely as an absence of light’s illuminating essence. As spiritual person, I also understand that evil does not exist unto itself, but merely as an absence of a holy essence of life-giving goodness that makes life worth living. Some people call this essence God, some a Higher Power, others Jesus, and still others Buddha or Muhammad. None of them are wrong, and none of them are right in the same token. However, these prophets, the religions, and the spiritual practices they teach all seem to point towards one global construct, the need to live a life that is good, righteous, on our own terms, and to do well by others the same we would expect to do with us. Oh yeah, did I mention the Golden Rule! If you skipped the rest of this article, and learn only of the need to teach the Golden Rule, you will have a successful parenting outcome with your child.
In this article I have offered four ways to teach judgment as a skill for practical parenting. Don’t worry about making mistakes. You will! However, rest assure, that your children will try not to repeat the same mistakes you have made as a parent. They will also try repeat the enjoyable experiences they had with you as a child with their own children. The key is not to be a perfect parent. You will eventually become the great parent you are destined to become if you teach your children effective ways to make decisions based upon personal and family values and the establishment of their own moral compass. It is not about being right or wrong in the sense that we are taught. It is about teaching a skill to make sound decisions based upon a value driven judgments that are truly informed by both sides of the equation. At least from this perspective, work has been done to help you and your children grow from a perspective that takes both side of the equation into account before assuming a position you have been fed en masse. In doing this, your children are allowed to flourish, creating their own oppinions, while you will have successfully navigated the stressful journey of parenthood. What are your thoughts?
When it comes to divorce advice, it seems like everyone has some to offer – but sometimes, even when people have the best intentions, it’s just not good advice.
Although your friends and family want only the best for you, it’s important to remember that during divorce, the only legal advice you should listen to comes from your Stockton divorce lawyer. Your attorney is familiar with California divorce laws and how they pertain to your case… and how the legal system works when two parties dissolve a marriage.
Mental health advice from friends and family can be tremendously helpful, though, as long as you take it with a grain of salt. If you feel like you need more help than your support network can provide, there’s nothing wrong with finding a counselor or therapist who specializes in divorce. For many people, advice from experts in psychology is the best kind they’ll ever get – and sometimes that advice stays relevant long after your divorce is final.
Divorce Advice From Psychology Experts: 3 Tips to Help You Through This Difficult Time
Every divorce is different, and what works for one person may have the opposite effect for another. However, these three pieces of divorce advice generally apply across the board.
#1: Get Divorce Advice From Someone Who’s Qualified to Give It
“Individual counseling, psychotherapy, and life-coaching can help you achieve optimal life balance, finding new and effective ways to deal with the effects stress causes on your life,” says Dr. Tom Maples of the Stockton Therapy Network.
Stress has many side effects, and it’s been linked to depression, heart attacks, and a multitude of other health conditions. It’s in your best interest to find new ways to cope with the stress of divorce – and there’s nothing wrong with reaching out for professional help when you need it.
#2: Understand That Emotional Divorce is a Process
Even after the judge signs your divorce decree, ending the legal process, you may still be in the throes of an emotional divorce.
“An emotional divorce is best viewed as a process that occurs minimally over several years and maximally over the course of a lifetime. Typically, the divorce process begins several years before the actual date of separation, when one of the spouses begins to experience a predictable set of feelings, which may include disillusionment, dissatisfaction, anxiety, and alienation,” says Donald T. Saposnek, Ph.D.
Once your divorce is over, you’re in a stage that involves finding your equilibrium again – but you can’t rush it.
“Of course, the feelings during this stage are not always positive. Even if the divorce is successful, negative feelings may still surface from time to time,” says Saposnek.
The key is to let yourself experience the negative feelings and process them so you can move on. Eventually, you’ll rebound completely… but it takes time.
#3: Try Not to Think of Divorce As a Battle You Can “Win”
According to the American Psychological Association, divorce mediation may be the best choice you could make.
“Try not to think of the breakup as a battle. Divorce mediation is often a good alternative to courtroom proceedings. Trying to work things out yourself can be frustrating and self-defeating as the problems that contributed to your divorce are likely to re-emerge during divorce negotiations. Research shows that mediation can be beneficial for emotional satisfaction, spousal relationships and children’s needs,” says the APA’s website.
Do You Need Divorce Advice From a Stockton Family Law Attorney?
If you need legal advice, there’s no substitute for working directly with a divorce attorney.
We can help.
Call us at 209-910-9865 to discuss child custody, child support, spousal support, or anything else related to your divorce. We’ll be able to evaluate your situation and develop a strategy that gets you (and your family) the best possible outcome.
If you’re here, you’ve either said it or heard it very recently.
And you’re not alone.
Some of the most common reasons couples split up, whether they’re married or dating, may be affecting you—and it may make it easier on you to know that others have experienced something similar.
In our practice as Stockton family law attorneys, we’ve helped many clients through the difficulties of divorce. During the past several years, we’ve discovered that there are some very common themes that run through many divorces. Unfortunately, it’s rare that both spouses are at the same emotional stage of divorce—and one spouse is left reeling, wondering what happened.
If that’s you, the themes we’ve observed may be helpful in understanding how you got here today.
“I Want a Divorce”: Why Couples Split
You don’t need grounds for divorce in California. We live in a no-fault divorce state, which means you don’t have to give the courts a specific reason in order for a judge to grant your divorce. However, statistics show that some reasons are far more common than others are. (Substance abuse and addiction, physical and emotional abuse, or infidelity are completely separate issues.)
Some of the most common reasons people divorce include:
Lack of individual identity
Getting lost in your role
Having differing visions for your marriage and your family
Lack of intimacy
Disappointments and unmet expectations
Money
Poor conflict resolution
“I Want a Divorce Because I Lost My Identity.”
Some couples become co-dependent. In many cases, only one spouse is co-dependent, which causes the loss of his or her sense of self-worth, identity, and self-esteem. Sometimes, the other spouse doesn’t know how to deal with the co-dependency—or recognize that they’re the cause.
“I Want a Divorce Because I Can’t Remember Why We Got Married in the First Place.”
Many people, including those who have dedicated several years to raising children, lose sight of what made their marriage special in the first place. When one or both spouses lose sight of what happened in the beginning, irreconcilable differences often develop.
“I Want a Divorce Because We Don’t See Eye-to-Eye.”
It can be tough to notice when your expectations (and intentions) change during marriage, but in many cases, that’s exactly what happens. You and your spouse may have differing visions for your marriage, your family, and your personal successes.
“I Want a Divorce Because We’re No Longer Intimate.”
Intimacy isn’t just about sex; it’s about emotions, too. Many couples find that between the pressures of everyday life and their regular obligations, intimacy evaporates over time. It’s not unheard of for one spouse to become more frustrated over this than the other; in fact, it happens fairly frequently.
“I Want a Divorce Because This Isn’t What I Signed Up For.”
When circumstances change, some people back away—and they don’t want to recognize that circumstances have changed. In many cases, this disillusionment leads to divorce.
“I Want a Divorce Over Money.”
Most people who divorce over money don’t do so because they have no money; they divorce because they’re not financially compatible. Conflict over money is inevitable in a marriage, but sometimes, those conflicts aren’t easy—or even possible—to resolve.
“I Want a Divorce Because We Can’t Resolve These Problems.”
Certainly all couples disagree, but some couples build up resentment (sometimes over years) and what seem like minor disagreements in a healthy marriage are much bigger problems in an unhealthy one.
Do You Need to Talk to a Stockton Divorce Lawyer?
No matter what brought you here, you need to know that you’re not alone. We’ve helped many people through difficult situations like these, and we can help you, too.
Call us at 209-910-9865. You’ll be able to talk to a Stockton divorce lawyer who understands what you’re going through, and we’ll begin developing a strategy that gets you the best possible outcome.
You were swept off your feet by prince charming, but instead you married a frog. At first, he seemed to be everything you dreamed of; but after unwrapping the layers, you found a Narcissistic sociopath of a man with impulse control issues and a mommy complex.
She was the light of your life, a statuesque pillar of beauty that you had long sought to be with. She was everything you could ever want and more. But after seeing behind the beauty, there was a neurotic, critical, self-loathing shell of a person behind the mask of beauty she portrayed.
Does this sound familiar?
It may, or may not, dependent on your prior relationship experience. If you have never been exposed to the above scenarios, great. You are in a category of very few people, and hopefully you have found the key to your “happily ever after.” However, for everyone else, we have been exposed to relationship dysfunction, where, sometimes the traits we perceive a person to have at the beginning of the relationship differ greatly from the product we get as the intense feelings of new love die down, and the real work underlying relationships begin.
Whether we are exposed to these types of relationships personally or through the second hand experiences of friends or loved ones, we understand and become exposed to the dysfunction these relationships can cause. Buzzwords that combine mental health complexes and diagnoses such as narcissism, borderline, or more severe terms such as pathogenic, pathological, sociopathic, or even psychopathic seems to be the yardstick by which we judge our modern day relationships. Has this always been the case? or is this somehow a new phenomenon in today’s more fast paced world. Either way, it seems that nowadays we judge our relationships based upon the way we perceive other people’s love lives to be. We simply focus on other peoples “happily ever after” at the expense of never creating our own.
In modern times, our personal relationships are distracted. We judge ourselves based upon the Hollywood glamour couple that walks the red carpet,tThe limelight reflecting from their eyes and dress, eliciting deep feelings of attraction, longing, and even envy. Even though they may seem individually radiant, something greater reflects from them as a couple, as we turn our inquisitive eyes to the picture perfect ideals they portray. We see them as they are portrayed, yet something within us allows us to create a picture perfect romance / family storyline by which we ultimately judge our personal relationship as well, “drab” in comparison.
A second example comes from the business couple, dressed to the nine. They are a picture to behold, wearing the newest and most expensive designer garments, driving the designer car, living in the designer house, having what seems to be even designer children. They are a snapshot of perfection as it relates to the American Dream. Is this reality they have created, in essence the truth? Or are the looks the media portrays misleading, or even worse, outright lies that hide the truth of what is behind the mask of what is perceived to be the socially acceptable “American Dream Family.”
It is human nature to judge ourself based upon what we perceive others to have. The Hollywood couple is broadcast to us in our homes. However the images portrayed show them surrounded by the limelight. We may, or may not yearn for this lifestyle, but nevertheless we begin to perceive a version of that reality as not being within our grasp, and may begin to focus on what we don’t have versus what we do have. We may see a power couple, business in their attire, walking to work, getting ready for a busy day. They may seem the picture of stability, intellectual prowess, and business disposition; but is their outer appearance truth, or what we perceive it to be as we pass immediate judgment on outer appearances. Or, even better, we may see an old couple, and yearn to have that experience in our lives. Don’t we deep down inside, all have the longing to grow old with another person. An example of longevity in relationship, a pillar of the human capacity to overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness and take a chance at love. Even though we may have no clue as to how to approach the work needed to assure that the relationship we seek can get past the first year, let alone the 1st through the 5th decade of the married life we foretell will be perfect, we nevertheless judge our life in a perspective that is not fully known nor can be known without simply having experienced it in all its grandeur.
The storylines in these scenarios play to the inherent human condition we as people have to judge ourselves based upon what we perceive to be the perfect lives of others. Good or Bad, Right or Wrong, Holy or Evil, Night or Day, Venus or Mars, Narcissistic or Borderline, our mind creates categories by which we not only judge our individual and relational lives, but also the individual and relational lives of others. While the ability to perceive and judge is foundational to the human condition, it does not have to be its demise.
In relationships, we find the capacity to be mirrored. For whatever reason, we seem to choose people that mirror the aspects of our life that are in need of the most psychological repair. While marriages seem to come and go, and a majority of the relationship conflict seen within marriage and after is caused by this mirroring phenomena, we must nevertheless operate in unison with it in order realize the growth potential relationships offer us. While mirroring is a fundamental aspect of positive relationships, it can nevertheless point towards painful and even unwelcoming aspects of ourselves that we must face in order to become greater individuals.
I know, we do not consciously sign up for the above scenarios. We don’t choose the faults of our significant others, consciously that is. But those faults were there. If only your eyes could have seen the love blinding glasses that were present when you chose to overlook those same very faults that now lead to the break in your relationship. While the philosophy and the moral repercussions that surround divorce can be very complex, if looked at objectively, the lessons learned can be simple, engaging, and life changing.
Grieve Your Loss – It is first and foremost important to grieve your loss. Whether the relationship was an intense flame, filled with passion, or a dud, give yourself time to grieve your loss. There will be fear of loneliness, anger, sadness, some more anger, fear of what will become of you, anger again, deep-introspection, sadness, a little more anger, sadness again, and eventually relief. Feel these feelings. They are the key to acceptance, moving on, and getting to know yourself as a single person. It is from this state that you can learn the lessons needed to move on with your life, and give yourself a shot at the happiness a future relationship can promote within your life.
Learn Thyself. Only you are responsible for the way you feel. If you sought another person out of loneliness, you may feel that way even in your relationship. You are responsible for what makes you happy, and by choosing to be happy, you will do the things necessary to assure your happiness despite what anyone else offers within your life. Who knows, if you are having fun doing the things you enjoy in the first place, maybe, just maybe, you might meet someone that enjoys the same things you do. How would this be for at least one check off that old relationship checklist?
Introspection – Reflect on what was. Play the scenarios out in your head, and see what YOU could have done differently. This is where emotional growth occurs, and can lead to areas where you find the need to bring about change in your life. Relationships are dynamic, and you brought as much to the table in its failure as your significant other has. The old adage, “It takes two to tango” is prevalent here, and you must take accountability for the mistake you made. By doing this, not only can you grow at the personal level, but you can also decrease the risk of falling into the same emotional trap that lead to the failed relationship in the first place.
Learn From, Don’t Delete the Story of Your Life – Love, relationships, marriage, and life is a natural progression. You cannot hit the reset button on a relationship, any more than you can reset your life. You can experience, learn, and grow towards the ideal that you seek, but you cannot start over. Take the lemon of the relationship you have lost and turn its lessons into the sweet lemonade you wish to have in your next relationship. By making small changes in your perception, you can overcome past barriers to happiness, and promote wellbeing throughout your life.
Engage A Happiness Habit – Again, we turn to all four prior lessons. Grieving, learning thyself, reflecting on what was, and learning from, not starting over leads us along a path where we can identify, practice, and master the art of loving oneself, the key ingredient needed for a life of happiness. By doing this, we can then begin to find ways to love another.
Relationships are a multifaceted, difficult to understand phenomenon that requires constant upkeep and a general willingness to push through the hard times to succeed. They are work, and unfortunately, for many, the happily does not come ever after. Whether you have been married, scared by love, or simply are yearning to find someone to spend life with, it is imperative to know yourself before taking this step. A therapist can help in this process, but you also have the power to engage the lessons needed to overcome past barriers, get to know yourself, develop deep, introspective love, and move on with your love life.
“This feels like the end. Everything we had worked hard for is now gone. My life, as I know it, is over. Divorce is the pits. I don’t know how I can move on.”
Is life over as you know it? Yes, but not in the way you may think. Let’s explore how divorce can effect one’s emotional state so that we may determine effective ways to let go of the emotional grief common to the death of a valued relationship.
Divorce is death. It is the death of your marriage. You spent time, effort, and energy to make your marriage work. It may have been a successful version of the American Dream with the 2.5 children, white picket fences, a loving puppy, or whatever commonly held perception of what the all American Family is comprised of these days. You may have sought to be June and Ward Cleaver, but ended up with Al and Peg Bundy. Married, With Children, you now find yourself picking up the pieces, trying to make sense of your emotional state as it relates to finding your post-marriage groove. If this is the case, then read on.
In tending to our emotional garden, it is imperative that we assume a somewhat self-centered focus for some time. This may sound counterproductive, in that we are often taught to be focused on other’s needs rather than our own. Self-centeredness is selfishness, right? In some cases, yes, but when it comes to healing after divorce, it is imperative you get to know you for you, to engage, or even re-engage areas of your life that brought you joy, solace, or content feeling from within. It is imperative that you assume accountability for the development and the promotion of your inner happiness.
Let’s face it, if you got divorced, there has probably been a prolonged period of time where either one or both both of you were discouraged. This would in turn increase tension, cause fighting, and leave either one or both of you with ill at ease feelings. You may have even sought therapy to assist you with working through your inner discontent, under the guise of saving or severing your relationship. In post-divorce life, you do not have another person to mirror from, and in turn, you must face your feelings head-on, as you get to know you for you, so that you may in turn one day move on from the grieving process that may have brought you to this article.
So how is it that you can find your happiness in post-divorce life?
Well, first and foremost, becoming self-focused, it is imperative that to assume accountability for your own happiness. Maybe you got married to secure your happiness. Or maybe it was another milestone, a goal to be accomplished on a long list of life-milestones by which you judge your individual success. Or, maybe the fear of loneliness got to you, and you sought marriage to secure your future from having to face another day of being alone. Either way, taking accountability for your emotional state will free you from the eternal dialogue that can hinder your emotional growth post-divorce.
When it comes to you, remember, that you are the creator of your own emotional health and/or illness. By relying on others to create your sense of security and happiness, you ultimately abdicate personal responsibility to understand your emotional state to another, much less qualified candidate for the job. Remember, the person you have chosen to be with also has this same burden and must find those nuances that make them happy. While the happiness you sought during marriage, or within your relationship may have escaped you, leading you to a period of self-reflection common post-divorce, this is not the end chapter of your life. It actually can be construed as a new beginning, a time ripe for the personal growth self-knowledge and development of a healthy sense of Self-love you can bring to the table in all future relationships.
How to Get The Groove Back:
Show Gratitude – Every successful person knows that gratitude stands as the foundation for everything they have been provided in life. While it may be difficult to determine things to be grateful for post-divorce, especially if you have lost time, assets, or some sense of financial security, find something that you can be grateful for. It was most likely a lack of gratitude by one or both parties that lead to the divorce. However, this does not have to remain the case. Remember, you have just got the opportunity to get to know yourself for you, outside of the relationship, and this is a reboot of sorts, a do-over that can, and will allow you to make real and effective change in your life if let it guide your being.
Schedule – The key here is to MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. Whether it is to exercise, meditate, have a cold-one with a friend, climb Half-Dome, Yoga, or Pilates, make sure you schedule it. You will be distracted by life, your emotions, and the 60,000 thoughts you have per day. Take control of your time, schedule a happiness time for you, and see what a difference feeling in control of your life can have as you learn navigate the good times, the bad times, the sad times, and the happy times of your life.
Get to Know Thyself – The key to self-help is to get to know yourself. You cannot do this with the endless distractions that will plague you during a normal day. Make time for yourself, and get to know yourself in silence. It is during this time, that you can begin to feel aware of your emotional state, and make small shifts within as a means to promote a better sense of balance and wellbeing.
Exercise – Wanting to shed the lbs. gained during marriage. During married life there is a sense of complacency. You no longer have this baggage, but you may have emotional or physical baggage left from the complacency you assumed during your married life. By making time for yourself, you can now free up the needed resources to bring back your ideal you. Visualize your best version of you, then begin the process of making that happen. This will not only kick start your Self-Love journey, but will also allow you to approach your life as a game. Make it fun. It is not a battle against a number, it is a journey towards emotional, physical, and even spiritual health. Who does not want to be their best, and there is no better time to start than now.
Surround Yourself with Support – While this may run in opposition to the self-centered focus spoken of above, your team will provide you invaluable support. Remember, it is about finding your happiness again. Not relying on other’s to provide your happiness for you. List things your are passionate about. Make a bucket list if you will, plan for it, and make it happen. Bring those you love on the journey. It is nice to share time and experiences with people, even if if it is in support of your personal goals. However, realize you will need to give in order to receive. In doing this, you are not being self centered. You are actually promoting your Self-development through focused attention on what you want in life. Who knows, you may even meet new people that share in your same passion.
Divorce is complex. And while there is no one road to emotional success after divorce, this forum is interactive, and we encourage clients to post feedback, ask questions, and engage in the healing journey that the grief cycle affords us post divorce. If you have questions, please feel free to write them in the comment sections. Our team will be happy to help you find the answers.
In Getting Your Groove Back, we will explore as an open forum ways you can mitigate the emotional damage a divorce can cause within your life. While there are many roads to emotional health, our team will help you navigate them to find your sense of wellbeing post-divorce.
“How do I heal and begin to rebuild my life after divorce?”
Divorce is quite possibly one of the toughest decisions you will ever make. Because of this, it is best not to take this decision lightly. Chances are, you spent much time dwelling on the choices you had to make to take this most courageous of steps. During the long process it takes to divorce a couple, it very likely that moments of self-doubt may have overtaken your mind, and the choices that were once so clear may have become muddied by emotions, regret, or the fears associated with idea of moving on with your life independently. On the other hand, there may have been times when mental clarity arose to its pre-divorce levels, and the shear will to persevere to re-engage your life and dreams in a meaningful manner became the battle cry for you to face your fears and move through the emotional torrents that arose during each step of the divorce process.
Divorce is not a simple process. While the legal aspects of a divorce are pretty standard (1) dividing assets and debts as it relates to the marital estate, (2) and dividing the time and responsibilities of parenting your children), the emotional journey behind a divorce is all but standard. It is a grieving process, and because of this, it will take time, perhaps even longer than the actual legal process to severe your marriage will take in the eyes of the law. In divorce, there are lives at stake, emotions to sort through, property to divide, time schedules to manage (both your schedule, your spouses, and your children’s schedule), and thousands of other intricately intertwined emotional, financial, and family occurrences you simply may have never of thought through as what was once just the normal chaos of family life is now divided into two separate and competing schedules with your children’s needs placed at the forefront.
After you decide to divorce, you may be initially hit with a sense of relief, one that although normal, may also be very short lived. The legal aspects of divorce are pretty straight forward. Either you, or the court will have the rights to divide the assets and liabilities assumed during your marriage “in kind.” If you choose to end in an amicable fashion, you and your spouse will have the determination of how to divide the marital estate and arrange for fair and compensatory custody arrangements. However, if you choose litigation, you will be forced to declare, divide, assume, and even let go of some of those things you you acquired during your marriage that you may hold most dear. As you begin to sort through the mountains of memories, paperwork, assets, and liabilities you have assumed during marriage, secondary grief grief patterns can arise, causing emotions such as anger, despair, hopelessness, helplessness, and sadness to become your new norm. These overwhelming feelings can overtake you personal sense of security, self efficacy, and hope for a brighter future, all during a time where you will undergo one of the most technically divisive and objective processes you will ever undertake.
What can possibly help? How can you rebuild your life after your have chosen to divorce?
Develop your team – Undergoing divorce, it will be imperative to have social supports to keep you up during the process. We are not talking Facebook in this case. Your social network must be people you can fall back on, not one of 1200 friends who will post inspirational quotes on a daily basis. Divorce is personal, and you must have people to help you through the process. The process in California will last at least six months. During this time, there can be many ups and downs you may face, and having a good social network, or just someone you can vent to will come in handy as your emotional state may get the better of you during a time you need to remain objective and impartial to your current circumstances.
Know your personal and family finances – Even if you are preparing for divorce, you should have a financial plan. Sometimes, temporary spousal support can help you (consult your attorney). However, do not be dependent on this to get you through the tough times. It takes six months in California to get divorced. Knowing what it will take for you to live independently will help spur your journey towards personal and financial independence forward. It may be difficult, but as you learn to take care of your finances independently, you will also develop necessary skills needed to successfully separate from your spouse. If you are financially dependent, you may want to open your own accounts prior to taking the steps necessary to divorce, and begin to attain the funds and the contacts needed to assure your transition towards your independence.
Consult an attorney – This is quite possibly one of the most important steps you can take during your divorce. Law governs the division of the marital estate, the finances, and the welfare of children. It is not always based upon what may be right or wrong; nor is it based upon any single fault one party may have in the causation of the divorce. An attorneys will help to assure that your legal rights are not impeded upon, and will assist you with the steps needed to successfully divide your marital estate and reach a child custody / visitation arrangement.
Seeking professional help to sort through your emotions – While normal to seek solace and understanding from your family members, you must remember, they are part of your family and cannot give you objective advise. They are on your side, and because of this, they will always side with your thoughts and emotions regarding what you believe to be right, wrong, and / or fair. They cannot be impartial, and can even spur on poor decisions due to their misconceptions about divorce. In divorce, emotions run high. However, there irrational nature greatly impedes your ability to make rational thoughts, the key decision making elements needed to successfully undertake a divorce. This is not about “getting even,” it is about “getting back to even,” ground that is, as you will undoubtedly face a number of ups and downs a licensed therapist can help you with. Remember, your attorney, although titled a counselor, is a counselor at law. They are payed to divide, and are also non objective parties, that must 100% side with your positions. A therapist can step into this objective role and help you sort the emotions can affect, if not derail the important decisions you will have to make during the divorce process.
Find your new health habits – During your marriage, you have undoubtedly set yourself into routines. Routines can be good, if they promote overall emotional, spiritual, and physical health. However, sometimes the habits that affected your marriage, can also derail your journey towards optimal health during your single life. During divorce, you should shy away from habits that can promote further depression or anxiety: these include drug and alcohol use. Engaging in healthy habits, such as exercise, getting involved in community events, re-engaging a spiritual path, and meeting with a therapist can help you overcome the emotional difficulties associated with depression, keep anxiety at bay through the release of much needed endorphins, and help you begin to make meaning about the overall journey your life has undertaken.
Give yourself time to forgive – You will never forget this journey, but you can eventually forgive. This will stand as the catalyst of letting go of the emotional constraints divorce can cause. If you tie your emotional state into feelings of retribution, or “getting even,” then your emotions continue to be married to your spouse, even though you may be long separated. This stands as the catalyst for continued custody conflicts, which ultimately hurt your children, and the expense of what is perceived to be protective factors. You may as well still be married. By learning to forgive, even though it may take time, you take your emotions back, can rebuild healthy, unilateral relationships with your children, and can begin the process of healing you seek to undertake.The process of healing after divorce is long and complex.
Divorce 101 will be an examination of the emotional journey undertaken to heal from the ravages of divorce. Feel free to comment, or to ask questions regarding this blog. Dr. Thomas Maples is a psychotherapist, marriage and child counselor, and has 16 years experience working with individuals, couples, and children that have undertaken divorce or have family conflicts. He is married to Anna Y. Maples, Family Law Attorney, and founder of Maples Family Law, a law firm based on finding solutions to the complex nuances associated with family law cases.
